


Lately I been, I been losing sleep

by jojen_hewitt, Lover_of_Fairy_Tails



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Background Relationships, Blood, Canon Typical Backgrounds, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Neil learning what living really means, POV Alternating, Panic Attacks, Pining Andrew, Scars, The Foxes forcing Neil to accept love and friendship, injured animal, slowish burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-20 01:54:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20667380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jojen_hewitt/pseuds/jojen_hewitt, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lover_of_Fairy_Tails/pseuds/Lover_of_Fairy_Tails
Summary: Neil Josten has been relocated to a small town after a life on the run and months spent testifying against his father's gang. Late one night he shows up at strangers door seeking help, and Andrew Minyard really can't turn away the man with the striking blue eyes no matter how ridiculously late it is. He will find a way to make him repay him though.-“Hello Neil, it’s nice to see you again.” Renee's eyes bounced to Andrew, and he didn’t like the mischievous twinkle in them that said she was reading something into this. “I hope Andrew isn’t giving you too much trouble.”Neil opened his mouth to answer her, but Andrew cut him off, “I was just telling him how he owed me.”“Owed you?”Andrew nodded.“For what?”“Your late-night house call.”“You want me to pay you for that?”“I don’t want your money.”“But you just said-”Before he could finish Andrew interrupted him by asking, “What do you know about sheep?”





	Lately I been, I been losing sleep

Neil cursed the witness protection. He cursed them for relocating him to this tiny rural town in Oregon, cursed the town for only having one veterinary clinic, and cursed the vet for already being closed. For good measure, he cursed himself and everything in his life which at twenty-four had left him woefully unprepared to deal with the predicament he found himself in now.

Two hours before he’d jolted awake drenched in sweat and trembling. Nightmares had become an almost nightly occurrence in the past year, but the fears that plagued his sleep were anything but ordinary. He didn't dream of endlessly falling or the zombie apocalypse. No, his were much more real. His nightmares were of years spent on the run, always looking over his shoulder, and the torture he suffered at the hands of his father. For Neil, every night was spent reliving his own personal horror show.

The particular nightmares that haunted him most recently had started almost a year ago when his mother had been killed and his father had captured him. By some miracle, he survived while his father had died. Immediately afterward he was taken in by the F.B.I. and spent the following months living under twenty-four-hour surveillance in witness protection as he testified against his father’s criminal organization. By the end of the trials, most of the Wesninski's were either dead or locked away for multiple life sentences. He himself came out the other side with a new name, a new background, and a renewed life. For the past few months, he had been living an extraordinarily ordinary existence. Anything beat living under the constant fear that had been a part of his life for so long.

Since falling asleep again anytime soon wasn’t a possibility he peeled off his sweat-soaked tee and shorts and replaced them with a hoodie, running pants, and tennis shoes. He grabbed his keys and phone off the cardboard box he used as a bedside table and hit the pavement running. After being released and relocated here he’d spent weeks trying to figure out how to clear his head after such vivid nightmares. With much trial and error, he found that running until he was nothing more than a body in motion was the only thing that worked.

Tonight, like most nights, he ran himself to the brink of exhaustion then made a slow return to the apartment WITSEC had unceremoniously dumped him in after washing their hands of him. Neil turned onto the short sidewalk outside of it and froze. Illuminated by the bare bulb beside his door he could just glimpse something laid on his front step. It hadn’t been there before. He squinted hard against the dim light, but it was too dark and too small for him to see it clearly.

Whatever it was hadn’t moved. So he took a few cautious steps closer trying to get a better look. He made it three steps when suddenly his shoe landed in something slippery and gave way. He caught himself hard on his palm. The concrete below his hand was slick with whatever he had stepped in. A sickening feeling crept up his throat with how horrifyingly familiar the substance felt. He lifted a shaking hand. His fingers were stained red.

Blood red.

Blood.

His hand was covered in blood. He scrambled backward away from the trail of blood he now saw leading up to his door. He had been too focused on the object to notice it before. The sight sent him reeling. He was thrown back into the basement in Baltimore. He could see himself lying on the floor his own blood trailing from the door he had been dragged through. Lola and his father above him knives drawn. They were ready to finish the job. There was no escape. No running.

He sucked in a deep breath and shook himself out of the past. That day hadn’t been the end. He had lived, and they had died.

He could still run.

Which was exactly what he needed to do. He needed to move, needed to get away. He forced his shaking legs to carry him forward, stumbling the whole way to his door. He braced himself against it as he heaved air back into his lungs. When his head quit spinning, he opened his eyes and nearly gagged. In his panic, he’d forgotten about the dark shape laid out there. Nausea rose up like bile in his throat.

On his front step was a cat surrounded by a pool of blood.

Every fiber of his being screamed at him to run, run, run. To forget about his duffle and the extra stores of cash he had hidden away inside. He needed to get as far away as fast as possible. He wasn’t safe here, could never be safe anywhere. This horrifying scene was a message that his father’s people would always find him. People like Romero and Jackson who hadn’t been caught yet.

He turned to run, to disappear from this town and never be seen again when a weak sound stopped him in his tracks. His eyes shot down. The cat moved. Without thinking he bent down to get a closer look. After that first brief glance earlier he had averted his eyes quickly, but now he took his time searching over the cat. Its eyes were open watching him warily, and its body was rising and falling in slow labored breaths.

Neil sagged in relief. This hadn’t been a message from what little was left of The Butcher’s gang. Which now that he was thinking more clearly made sense. Last he heard Jackson and Romero were hiding out in a country that had no extradition treaty with the U.S., and he doubted they would risk arrest for petty revenge against him. No, this was just a cat in dire need of help that had sought shelter on Neil’s doorstep of all places.

His trembling legs finally gave out, he sank to the concrete below. He reached for the cat, but when his hand got close it hissed and swiped a claw out. Neil quickly pulled away. He maintained the safe distance, acutely understanding a hurt and frightened things need to lash out. The cat was rather small and extremely filthy. At least half of its fur was matted with blood and dirt. There was so much blood that he couldn’t tell precisely where it was coming from.

Worry replaced his panic as he tried to think of ways to help.

Not knowing what to do, he shakily stood, pulled out his keys, and pressed them into the lock. His only idea was to grab some towels and something to lure the cat inside with, then hope some great plan struck him after that. He swung open his door, but before he could even take a step, the cat darted ahead of him.

Neil blinked in surprise at the empty spot where the cat had just been. He hadn’t even thought it was capable of moving two seconds before. Inside the cat was nowhere to be seen, but a trail of bloody footprints disappeared underneath his bed. Neil crawled on the floor and peered into the darkness below. Two reflective eyes stared back. He thought about trying to coax the cat out, but then what? He had absolutely no idea how to deal with the cat’s injuries. While on the run his mother and he had dealt with their own injuries numerous times, but he had a feeling the cat wouldn’t appreciate his DIY version of emergency medicine.

Instead, he let the cat be and consulted Google. He powered up the dinosaur of a laptop he’d bought at a secondhand electronics store. It was the first computer he’d ever owned since his mother had never allowed them to keep anything that could be traced while on the run. It had been a real struggle in the first few months after her death for him to break the rules she had beaten into him over the years, but he’d finally given in once the trials were over. Mary was probably turning over in her shallow grave at the thought of him using Google, but it was practically impossible to live his new life as ‘Neil Josten’ without its much-needed information.

After five minutes of trying and failing to find a vet that was open nearby, Neil gave up. Instead, he went back to his original plan of grabbing some towels from his bathroom and trying to coax the cat out. Ten minutes, an empty can of tuna, and a few scratches later he had the cat safely wrapped in a bundle of towels.

Before he had noticed how small the cat looked, but now that he was holding it he realized just how thin it truly was. He dabbed at some of the blood and carefully maneuvered the cat around to get a better look at its back leg where most of the bleeding was coming from. There were long bloody gashes tearing through it, and although Neil had just wiped the blood away, it was already soaking the towels again. The closest 24/7 vet clinic was more than an hour away in Portland, and with the amount of blood the cat was losing he worried that it wouldn’t survive the trip.

Not willing to risk it, he loaded the now worryingly complacent cat into his car and headed out of town towards the sprawling green fields of farmland. He had an idea of a man who might be able to help. It was kind of a long shot, but it was the best idea he could come up with on short notice.

It didn’t take him long to find the road he had passed by many times on his late-night and early morning runs. He turned down the long winding drive and parked outside a farmhouse. After gathering the cat gently into his arms he walked up to the front door and pounded his fist against it.

After a few minutes of nothing happening and getting worried that no one would answer he finally heard movement coming from the other side. A second later the door was flung open to reveal a short, blond, very pissed off looking man.

“I need help,” Neil pleaded desperately.

The man’s eyes held his a moment before dropping to the cat cradled in his arms. When nothing was forthcoming from him, Neil continued, “I found it bleeding outside of my apartment door. I don’t know what to do. The vet’s office is already closed.”

The man’s eyes flicked back up to meet his. “And you brought it here in the middle of the night because?”

Neil gave him a pathetic shrug. Honestly, his reasoning for bringing a cat to a sheep farmer was mostly panic-induced, but he wasn’t going to admit that to a stranger. “You work with animals.”

“You do realize that a farmer and a vet are not the same, correct?”

“Of course I know that.” Neil sniped. He might be a mess of a human being, but he wasn’t a complete idiot. He felt his temper beginning to flare to life as he bit out. “Will you help me or not?”

The man raised an eyebrow at his outburst and stepped backward. Neil was sure he was about to get a door slammed in his face, but instead, the man took another step aside and made a mock sweeping gesture for him to enter the house.

Neil stepped inside. The man closed the door behind him, then without a word turned and walked out of the room. Neil assumed he was supposed to follow, so he did. He followed him all the way through the house to a back workroom. The room looked like at one point it had been a porch but had since been walled in. It held a deep sink, a long counter covered in jars full of medical supplies, and oddly enough a mini-fridge.

The man gestured for Neil to place the cat down on a large metal table in the center of the room. Then he pulled on a pair of gloves and slowly unwrapped the towels. Neil stepped aside and watched as the man coaxed the cat to lie on its side then ran a calming hand down its back as he closely examined its leg.

“These injuries look like they were caused by teeth. Most likely a dog, maybe coyote, attacked her. The most I can do is stop the bleeding.”

Neil nodded. Without wasting any time the man got to work cleaning the area around the wounds. After assessing the injuries further he pulled out gauze and began steadily wrapping the leg. Once he was done he wrapped the cat back up in clean towels he’d pulled from a cabinet and placed her into a large carrier. “These wounds need to be stitched closed. Renee will have to do that part.”

Neil didn’t know who Renee was, but if she could help, he was fine with the man taking the cat to her.

“What should I do?”

The man turned a blank look on him. “Go home.”

“But,” Neil tried to interject, but the man stopped him with a shake of his head.

“There is nothing more you can do. If you want, check up on her in the morning at the vet’s clinic.”

Neil wanted to argue, but the farmer picked up the carrier and started making his way back through the house. Neil followed and deflated as he realized the other man was right. He couldn’t do anything more to help. All he could do was trust the farmer to keep his word. When they reached the front door, he took one last long look at the cat and hoped for the best.

He stepped outside, but stopped and turned back around the face the man. “Thank you for your help,” he said. He had just woken a stranger up in the middle of the night the least he could do was thank him. “I’m Neil, by the way.”

The man held his eyes for a moment before responding sharply, “I’m Andrew. Now get out.”

  
  


* * *

The next morning Neil leaned against the side of the vet’s office as he waited for it to open, letting his cigarette burn down and rubbing his hands together for warmth. Upon arriving back at his apartment last night, and after cleaning the blood off of his floors, he’d lain in bed trying and failing to fall back asleep. He couldn’t shake the worried thoughts of the cat from his mind. After only a few fitful hours he was out of bed and dressed before the sun rose. He wasted a few hours by going on a run and taking a long shower but still arrived at the vet’s before opening.

After waiting a few more minutes the door finally opened. He snubbed his cigarette out against the brick wall as a vaguely familiar-looking woman stepped out. She walked up to him and held out her hand.

“Hello, you must be Neil. I’m Renee Walker. Andrew told me you might be by to check on Sir this morning.”

“Sir?” He asked as he shook her hand.

Renee gave a slight laugh at the puzzled look on his face and gestured for him to follow her inside. “Sir is the name of your cat. I recognized her last night. She used to belong to the woman who lived in your apartment for a few years until she passed away. Unfortunately, her children decided they didn’t want Sir and turned her out on the streets. I was heartbroken when I learned what had happened, but by the time I went over to look for her she was long gone.”

A twinge of sadness shot through Neil’s chest at the thought of the cat losing her owner then being thrown out of her house. He was no stranger to loss. Renee led him to a back office where Sir, which was in his opinion an odd name choice for a female cat, was laid out on a very plump cushion looking remarkable healthier than she had the night before. The bloodied mess that had been her back leg was now shaved and stitched up, and the rest of her fur had been cleaned. Now that she wasn’t covered in grime he could see exactly how gorgeous she was. She had long fur in a mixed pattern of black, white, and orange patches. Seeing her breathing easy and looking perfectly relaxed made Neil breathe easier as well.

Renee walked over to the cat and ran a hand along her back. Sir purred deeply. “She will need to stay here for a few more days just so I can continue to monitor her recovery, but after that what would you like to do with her?”

Neil stiffened. “What do you mean?”

“I know you only found her last night, and that she isn’t really yours. But you seem to care for her already, and I thought maybe you would want to keep her.”

Neil’s head shot up from where he had been looking at Sir to meet Renee’s eyes. He had never had a pet before. The thought of having one in his father’s house was horrifying, and the thought of asking his mother for one while they had been on the run was laughable. His life was much more stable now, but that didn’t mean he had the capacity to care for a pet. He was just barely holding himself together.

Renee must have picked up on his internal panic as she quickly added, “I understand that having a pet is a big responsibility, and I’m not trying to force you into making a decision right now. I just think you should give it some thought. I think you two could be good for each other.”

Neil swallowed down his worried thoughts and nodded. The idea of being in charge of a pet was scary as hell, but there was something keeping him from outright refusing as he looked down at Sir and she stared back at him.

He followed Renee back to the front. She held the door for him and pulled out a business card, handing it to him as he stepped through. “Take this and feel free to call me night or day, and come by and visit Sir whenever.” 

Neil took the card and thanked her as he left.

  
  


* * *

Andrew finally fell back into bed last night around four, after taking the cat to Renee's and assisting her as she stitched up its leg. This morning he’d been too exhausted to wake up at his regular six a.m. alarm and hadn’t rolled out of bed till eleven. By then it had been far too late for him to get through everything he’d planned for today.

When fists pounding on his door had jolted him awake, he’d been ready to skin alive whoever had woken him from a dreamless sleep. He didn’t have nightmares as often as he had when he was younger and still living them every day, but not dreaming at all was always welcome. His mind could be a rather dark place. He didn’t need his unconsciousness prodding through it. He’d thrown his blankets off, pulled on tennis shoes, and slowly made his way to his door ready to tell whoever it was to fuck off. Though as soon as he yanked it open and saw Neil Josten and his imploring blue eyes on the other side, all the words flew from his head.

Last night hadn’t been the first time Andrew had seen the newest resident of their little town. He had driven past him out running in the early morning and late at night many times and also come across him at Boyd’s grocery store. For the first few weeks, Andrew thought maybe he was visiting an elderly family member—the town had plenty of those—but when months passed and he was still here, Andrew wasn’t so sure. Which was odd. This wasn’t the type of town people moved too. Especially attractive young men with messy auburn hair and haunted blue eyes. His curiosity had grown until finally he gave in and asked Renee about him. She told him she hadn’t officially been introduced to him yet, but Allison knew him.

When he showed up last night with a cat bundled in his arms asking for help Andrew hadn’t been able to turn him away. Even though he knew it would cause him to be behind for the rest of the day. Seriously, it was disconcerting how attractive Neil was even wearing a ratty hoodie and a haggard look on his face. Since Andrew wasn’t going to make it through his original plans for the day, he did what needed to be done, like feeding and milking, then gave himself the rest of the day off.

He was now perched on the edge of the reception desk in Renee’s clinic reading through a book she had ordered for him on fleece health. His being there had absolutely nothing to do with a certain someone possibly coming by, especially since Renee had already informed him that Neil had been by this morning. Though if Andrew ever partook in the ridiculous betting of Renee and her friends, he would bet that Neil would be stopping by again.

About half an hour later, the bell above the door tinkled and Andrew looked right up into those infuriating blue eyes. He felt a little thrill through his chest at the sight and was immediately annoyed that it caused him to feel anything at all.

Andrew closed his book and banged it down on the desk. “Oh, Neil. So you do know what a vet’s office looks like.”

Neil stopped just in front of the door, mouth set in a hard line. “Of course I do,” he snapped quickly before seeming to catch his harsh tone. His face and voice smoothed back out as he added, “As I mentioned before, it was closed last night.”

His self-censor was fascinating but Andrew wasn’t going to comment on it just yet. “Her office might close, but Renee is always available. Bleeding heart and all that.”

Neil pulled out Renee’s business card from his back pocket. “I didn’t know that last night, I only found out this morning. Sorry for waking you. It obviously won’t happen again.”

“Obviously,” Andrew repeated but didn’t like the way the word tasted on his tongue.

Neil’s eyes slid past him towards the door that led to where Renee kept the animals. Andrew wanted those eyes back on him. “Are you going to keep her?”

The question worked like a charm. Neil’s eyes snapped back to him. Even though it had been a simple one, the question looked like it was causing Neil quite a bit of turmoil. Renee had told him earlier that she had suggested Neil keep Sir, but that he hadn’t reacted well to the idea. Though she still held out hope that he would eventually come around.

Andrew watched closely as Neil worried his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment before saying, “I don’t know.”

Before Andrew could say anything Renee stepped out of the back office. “Hello, Neil. It’s nice to see you again.” Her eyes bounced to Andrew, and he didn’t like the mischievous twinkle in them that said she was reading something into this. “I hope Andrew isn’t giving you too much trouble.”

Neil opened his mouth to answer her, but Andrew cut him off, “I was just telling him how he owed me for last night.”

“Owed you?” Neil repeated eyebrows drawing down in confusion.

Andrew nodded curtly.

“For what?”

“Your late-night house call.”

Neil looked incredulous. “You want me to pay you for that?”

“I don’t want your money.”

“But you just said-”

Before he could finish Andrew interrupted him by asking, “What do you know about sheep?”

Neil’s eyes grew wide at the question. He stared for a moment before slowly saying, “I don’t understand how that has anything to do with what we were just talking about.”

“Just answer the question,” Andrew told him.

Neil crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. “They’re white and fluffy and say baa.”

Andrew wanted to roll his eyes right out of his head. He didn’t, but it was a near thing. Apparently, Neil had a smart mouth to go along with his pretty face. Andrew would have to tread carefully around this one, lest he misstep and fall right into an abyss. He ignored Renee laughing quietly into her hand beside him. He could foresee a conversation in his near future where he had to explain to her that Neil’s attractiveness had nothing to do with what he was about to ask. “When are you free next?”

Neil looked completely mystified by the question but still answered, “Thursday.”

Andrew nodded. “Be at the farm at 8 a.m.” He stood from the counter and walked to the door, bumping his shoulder into Neil as he passed.

As the door shut behind him, he could hear Neil say, “I don’t understand what just happened.”

  
  


* * *

Thursday, Neil found himself sitting outside of Andrew’s farmhouse wondering what the hell he was doing. Well, he knew what he was doing here physically. Renee had graciously explained Andrew had recruited him to help out on his farm as some form of repayment. The question he should really be asking himself was why had he agreed to be here at eight on his day off.

After leaving Renee’s that day he had gone in for his shift at Boyd’s and run right into a distressed Matt. Apparently, Renee had told Allison, who had told Dan, who had told Matt that Neil had gone to Andrew for help, leaving him having to listen to Matt question why Neil would seek help from Minyard of all people instead of his own friends. Neil had mostly tuned out his impassioned speech about friendship, but as he spoke it dawned on him why Renee looked so familiar. She was Allison’s wife. He had never met her in person before his trip to check on Sir, but he had seen more than enough photos of her on Allison’s phone.

Allison Reynolds was an assistant district attorney who worked at city hall across the street from Boyd’s Grocer. To be fair, pretty much every building could be described as across the street from each other in a town that only comprised of four downtown blocks and about a dozen street lights. The only buildings located slightly further away were the three schools and Renee’s vet clinic. Whenever Allison got bored or too stressed, she would cross the street and come hang out with Matt, whom she had met in college. This was how Neil had been introduced to her four months ago after he’d gotten a job stocking groceries. Now more often than not at work, he found himself surrounded by Matt, Allison, and Matt’s wife Dan, who was a coach at the high school. They had all taken one look at him and collectively decided to adopt him into their friend group.

When Matt finished his rant, he made Neil promise to call if something like that ever happened again, which Neil thought was very unlikely but promised anyway. At first, it had been hard to accept Matt’s unrelenting attempts at friendship. Neil never had the chance to make friends before, and every attempt Matt made to get to know him had set him on edge. No matter how mundane the questions, they all felt too intrusive to a person who had never been allowed to share anything real about himself before. But after seeing how twitchy Neil became Matt got a clue and backed off.

Now as he sat in his car outside of Andrew’s, window cracked to let the smoke from his cigarette escape out, Neil took in the scene before him. He had passed the drive many times, but the house sat far enough back that he had never seen it before his panicked trip the other night. It was an older but well cared for farmhouse with three barns and endless rolling green fields behind it. There were many houses spotted around the countryside similar to Andrew’s, but his was the only one that was a functioning sheep farm.

When his cigarette fully burned down, Neil got out of his car. Not knowing what else to do, he walked up to the door and raised his fist to knock, but before he could even make contact the door swung open. 

“You’re late,” Andrew said in lieu of a greeting.

“It’s 8:02,” Neil argued back, then immediately had to rein in his flaring temper. He had been doing a good job of keeping the temper he had inherited from his father in check since arriving in town, but Andrew seemed intent on getting under his skin.

Andrew flicked his wrist as if Neil had just confirmed his own lateness then stepped out of the house. He shut the door behind him then walked around to a gate. Neil silently followed him back towards the furthest barn. Inside was barren except for a large stack of what Neil assumed were bags of sheep feed.

Andrew pointed towards the bags. “Those need to be moved.”

“And I’m guessing you want me to do that.”

“That is why you’re here.”

Neil huffed and silently cursed Andrew as he hefted one of the heavy bags into his arms. “Where to?”

Andrew turned and Neil followed him to the next barn which, at least, wasn’t very far away. This barn looked much newer and was full of farming equipment. Andrew pointed to a wooden palette built on top of the ground, and Neil dropped the bag onto it. When he turned back Andrew was already gone. Neil released a long sigh. Apparently, he was doing this all himself.

By the time he carried the last bag of feed over his arms and legs were burning and he was drenched in sweat. He dropped the bag onto the stack and turned around to find Andrew had magically appeared again. Funny how that happened. He stood leaning against the barn door eyes trained on Neil. “That took you an hour,” he said in the blandest tone sounding as if he couldn’t possibly care less. He glanced at his watch. “Only three more to go.”

Neil straightened even though his sore muscles protested the movement. “What do you mean, three more?”

Andrew pushed off the barn door and made his way closer holding up four fingers. “I lost four hours of sleep helping you, now I’m behind schedule.” He ticked one finger down. “You worked one off today, so that means you owe me three more.”

Neil pushed down the irritation Andrew’s condescending tone caused in favor of looking down at his shaking legs. “I can’t do three more hours of this today.”

Andrew shrugged easily. “Then I guess you will have to come back when you can.”

Neil stared at him trying to determine if he was serious or not. When Andrew’s expression didn’t change Neil huffed out a ‘fine’ then turned on his heels and left as quickly as possible.

He would definitely be calling Matt for help from now on.

  
  


* * *

Neil’s arms shook as he attempted to lift cans of food up onto the shelves at work. He’d been out to Andrew’s three times now and swore each time the work was getting harder. At this point, he was fairly certain Andrew was just putting off the tasks he didn’t want to do onto him.

Matt’s head peeked around the corner after the fourth can crashed to the floor. “Hey, buddy. Are you alright? Your arms are shaking.”

Neil sighed, dropping the can he could barely grip back into the basket. “I think Andrew is trying to kill me. So far he’s had me carry bags of feed, clean out a bunch of milking machinery, and haul a giant tractor tire out of a field.”

“Oh, man. Sounds rough.”

Neil nodded in agreement. Too tired to voice exactly how rough it was.

Matt stepped closer, lips pulled down in a frown. “You know you could just not go.”

“No,” Neil said shaking his head. “I owe him.”

“I mean, don’t you think…,” Matt started, running a nervous hand through his ridiculously tall hair. “Don’t you think it’s kind of shitty that Minyard is making you do all of this? He could have just helped you for free.”

Neil turned to face Matt fully now, narrowing his eyes. “Why should he? I’m the one that woke him up in the middle of the night. He could have just sent me off to Renee, but he chose to help Sir. She might not be alive now if it wasn’t for him.”

He felt no resentment for all the hard work Andrew was putting him through because of this. In Matt’s world kindness was something that was given freely. In Neil’s world there had hardly ever been any sort of kindness, and what there was of it was expected to be repaid. So he had no problem paying Andrew back equally for what he had done for him. He just wished everything Andrew had him doing didn’t make his body ache so badly for the next few days.

“Okay, okay,” Matt said, holding up his hands placatingly. “You owe him.” He dropped his hands onto Neil’s shoulders as his smile turned playful. “Just don’t work yourself too hard out there. That’s what I’m paying you here for.”

Neil rolled his eyes and pushed at Matt’s arms. Matt laughed as he took a few steps back down the aisle. “Oh, by the way, your shift ended, like, ten minutes ago.”

Neil looked down at his watch and was surprised to see that it was already past three. He hadn’t realized how much time had passed while he had been silently cursing Andrew.

Since he worked the early shift today at Boyd’s, he’d agreed to go to Andrew’s afterward. When he pulled up in the drive Andrew was already standing outside waiting for him. Just as he had been the previous two times. Neil followed him back around the house but stopped in his tracks when he saw the shovel Andrew was headed towards.

“No.”

Andrew turned to look at him with a quirked eyebrow. “No?”

“More like, I physically can’t,” Neil explained. “I can barely lift my arms from all the other shit you had me doing this week.” He waited to see if Andrew had something to say to that, and when he didn’t Neil released a small huff and asked, “Isn’t there something besides manual labor I can help with?”

Andrew studied him critically for a moment before abruptly turning and heading towards the house. Neil followed him inside thinking he was about to get kicked out and told to come back another time, but instead, they stopped in the back room where Andrew had worked on Sir two weeks ago. It looked just as sterile. Without stopping Andrew walked around the large table then knelt down behind it. He had yet to say anything and Neil was about to ask what they were doing in here when he heard a curious noise coming from the side of the table where Andrew was.

The sound caused Neil to move quickly. He skidded around the table and leaned forward to peer over Andrew’s shoulder. There, lying on a pile of blankets, was a lamb. Neil had seen Andrew’s sheep from a distance, but those were all grown sheep. He had never seen a lamb in person before. It was probably an odd thing to admit as an adult, but his parents hadn’t exactly been the type to take him to petting zoos.

He knelt down beside Andrew and reached his hand out. He wanted to know if the lamb was as soft as it looked, but before his fingers could make contact he startled himself to a halt. Suddenly, warning bells were going off in his head that he shouldn’t touch it. A person, like himself, who had only known pain couldn’t possibly be gentle enough to handle a tiny, fragile lamb. He could only do harm.

Neil pulled his hand back. Andrew gave him an exasperated look as if he could read his thoughts, and reached for him. He tightly grasped his wrist and yanked his hand to the lamb. Neil couldn’t stop the tiny gasp that escaped him as his fingers brushed its soft fleece. He held perfectly still and watched the lamb to see if he was causing it any discomfort. The lamb didn’t even twitch. It didn’t seem bothered at all by his touch. After a moment Andrew let go of his wrist, and Neil gently brushed along the lamb’s side.

“It’s so fluffy.”

“Are you going to die?” Andrew asked deadpan.

“What?” Neil yanked his hand back from the sheep and gave Andrew a worried look. “Why would you say that?”

Andrew stared at him boredly before turning away and reaching out to continue petting the sheep. Neil watched him, with narrowed eyes, for a moment longer before choosing to ignore that bit of weirdness and resumed rubbing his hand along the sheep as well. It wasn’t the first time someone had said something that completely baffled him. Most of his coworkers were much younger than him, and he spent a lot of time at home nowadays googling phrases. He was fairly certain the other stockers spoke a language he had no chance of ever learning, which was saying a lot because he was fluent in four.

They sat together in silence for a few minutes before Andrew spoke again. “Its mother died giving birth, and none of the other stupid ewes will take it. So he has to be bottle-fed.” Andrew stood and walked to the mini-fridge. He pulled out a bottle of milk and tossed it at Neil, who just barely caught it in time. Neil looked down at the bottle in his hands curiously before realization set in. “You want me to feed him?”

Andrew made a gesture that Neil took to mean ‘obviously’.

Neil was about to protest that he didn’t know what he was doing when the sheep lifted up on its wobbly little legs and made its way over to him. The sheep nudged the bottle with its head until Neil got the hint and tilted it down enough that it could drink. Apparently, it didn’t matter that he didn’t know what he was doing because the sheep did. He smiled up at Andrew. He was proud of his little accomplishment, but as soon as their eyes met Andrew quickly turned and left.

Neil shrugged off Andrew’s abrupt departure and gave his full attention back to the lamb. When it was done drinking he washed out the bottle in the sink and turned around to see the lamb had followed him. Since Andrew had left him with no further instructions Neil busied himself by keeping the sheep entertained.

After an hour Andrew came back. By that time Neil was laid out flat on his back letting the lamb climb onto his chest then jump the few inches down to the ground. At first, Andrew stood off to the side watching the spectacle, not saying a word. Neil did his best to ignore his presence by keeping his eyes trained on the sheep. Not too much longer Andrew moved and Neil couldn’t help but look up in his direction. Andrew jerked his head towards the door and stepped outside. 

The lamb jumped off of his chest but instead of letting it climb back up again, Neil stood and followed Andrew out. He found Andrew sitting on the porch steps, cigarette in hand, staring out across the vast fields. Neil moved to lean against the railing then held his hand out in a silent request. Andrew huffed, but light up a second stick and handed it over. Neil held it under his nose letting the smoke curl around him. If Andrew thought his way of smoking odd he didn’t mention it.

After a few minutes spent smoking in silence Andrew finally broke it. “You let the fleabag walk all over you and Renee tells me you go almost every day to visit Sir.”

Neil’s back stiffened against the railing. He’d found in his previous visits that Andrew wasn’t the type to make idle chit-chat, so he must be going somewhere with this. Somewhere Neil was sure he didn’t want him to.

“You’re clearly another soft-hearted fool. So why is it that you’re still refusing Renee’s offer to take Sir?”

Neil looked out across the fields, choosing to focus on the sheep he could see in the distance instead of the piercing stare Andrew had turned on him. He didn’t have an answer for him, because he didn’t even know how to answer himself when he asked that question. At first, he believed he wasn’t capable of caring for anything else. The only person he’d ever been given the chance to care for was his mother, and he had failed her in the end. But as he had been drawn back every day to visit Sir, he realized that wasn’t true. He did care about her well-being and wanted her to find a good home. He just knew that home could never be with him. He was barely a functioning person and definitely not someone anyone else should try to make a home out of. Not even a cat.

He was trying to think of a good excuse for why he couldn’t take Sir, since he had no words to explain the truth, when Andrew spoke again. “I would imagine having someone to care for her, even if they have no experience in it, would be better than having nothing.”

Neil jolted as the truth in Andrew’s words hit him like a blow to the chest. It was startling how easily Andrew had read him, but that wasn’t the part that really got his attention. Neil had spent many years on the run. Moving often, never being tied down, never being found, never be known. His life then, even with his mother always by his side, had been cold and empty. He had been nothing and no one, and at the time it seemed like that was how it would always be. Now though as he etched out a meager existence for himself here, with his tiny barely furnished apartment, his high-school level job, and the tentative bonds of friendship he was forming his life already felt so much fuller. He had accomplished more in the past few months than he ever dreamed possible. 

It begged the question of why he believed his life should stagnate as it was. If he could make a safe place for himself why couldn’t he expand it?

The answer was really obvious.

“I’ve got to go,” he said stubbing his cigarette out and dropping the butt into the ashtray beside Andrew. He turned and left without waiting to see if Andrew had anything else to add. He could make his caustic remarks about Neil’s apparent stupidity next time he saw him. Neil made it through the house and out to his car where he’d left his phone. He pulled out the card Renee had given him and punched in the number. She picked up on the second ring.

“Hey Renee, this is Neil Josten. I’m calling about Sir.”

  
  


* * *

Andrew had believed the day Neil had practically run out to call Renee about adopting Sir would be the last time he saw him. Well, the last time at his farm, at least, he was sure he would still see him around town. Their town was rather small, and he had memorized Neil’s work schedule at Boyd’s months before. The tedious act of grocery shopping had become infinitely better after that.

So when Neil had shown back up a few days later Andrew had been more than a little surprised. He hadn’t voiced that surprise though. He wasn’t stupid. He wasn’t going to say anything to make Neil realize there was no reason for him to keep coming back anymore. Having the extra set of hands was useful, and the added view wasn’t so bad either.

He did make a decision though. If Neil was going to keep showing up Andrew would teach him about the inner workings of the farm instead of having him do more of the same side jobs he’d been doing before. For the last two months, every time Neil showed up Andrew had him tag along to help with whatever he was doing that day. The transition from only seeing Neil for a short time to working side by side happened much smoother than Andrew had expected. It had been a while since he had spent this much time in close quarters with another person, and the seamlessness with which Neil slipped into his every day was a little jarring.

Sometimes they worked in companionable silence. Other times they talked and exchanged questions. Getting to know Neil was doing nothing to hamper his attraction. In the past, Andrew had found plenty of men attractive, though their personalities usually made quick work of snuffing out his interest. Neil was the opposite. The more time Andrew spent with him the more time he wanted to spend with him. His interest—he was twenty-five he refused to think of it as a crush—was beginning to get out of hand. He wasn’t being as careful as he promised himself he would be. 

Neil took to the farm work splendidly. He seemed to revel in it and was now showing up two or three times a week. Usually, he came on the same days as before, but every now and then he would show up on Andrew’s front porch without warning, looking strung out from not sleeping the night before. On the worst of those days, he ran there. Like was trying to outrun the nightmares Andrew was certain he had. Neil didn’t talk about them. There were a lot of things Neil didn’t talk about, but Andrew recognized the lines on his face that said he’d lived a life similar to the one he had lived before Bee. He wouldn’t push. He could imagine a version of himself that wouldn’t have been satisfied until he had solved Neil like a math problem, this version though had grown and healed a lot in the ten years since his adoption. Enough to understand that there were some things in life that hurt more to talk about than it was worth.

One Saturday about a month ago Andrew had been lounging around reading a book Bee had sent and drinking hot chocolate. It was somewhat of a tradition he had started with Bee in high school and still carried on. The weekends were his downtime. He woke up around the same time out of habit, but only performed the most basic chores work-wise. Like making sure the sheep had food and hadn’t somehow injured themselves throughout the night. He had just become absorbed in the thrilling action when a loud knock jolted him back into reality. He checked his phone for any missed calls and frowned when there weren’t any. He wasn't expecting visitors. The only people who would stop by knew to give him a heads up before coming over.

With one exception, Nicky.

With a sigh, he put his book down and hefted himself off the sofa. Cocoa mug still in hand. He swung the door open with a quip ready to tell his well-meaning but semi-invasive cousin how unwanted he was, especially this early. Instead, he found himself staring into now familiar blue eyes.

His heart lurched in his chest.

Then again, when he realized Neil was staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed at him. His gaze fixed pointedly down. A stone dropped in Andrew’s stomach as he suddenly realized what had put that look on Neil’s face. He was decked out in a pair of sheep pajama pants Nicky had bought him, feet covered with fluffy black sheep slippers courtesy of Renee, and to top off what was quickly becoming a tragedy the mug Bee had given him had a picture of a sheep with a pink bow and read: Ewe’s not fat, Ewe’s just fluffy.

Neil’s eyes snapped back to his, and the bastard had to bite his bottom lip to keep a smile from spreading across his face. Heat crawled up the back of Andrew’s neck and knew his blush would soon make its way up to his cheeks. He cursed his fair skin and slammed the door in Neil’s stupid face before any more damage could be done.

Andrew stormed to his room and changed into the darkest tight-fitting black tee and skinny jeans he owned then shoved his feet into combat boots. Lastly, he pulled his armbands firmly into place. It was fortunate that the tee he had worn to bed was long-sleeved. He hadn’t needed to pile Neil’s reaction to his scars onto everything else.

By the time he made it back to the door Neil had schooled his face into careful impassivity and was smart enough to not say anything stupid for once. Andrew almost asked what the hell he was doing here on a Saturday morning since he normally worked that shift at Boyd’s, but decided he didn’t care. He was already over this whole ordeal and just wanted Neil out of sight. He shooed him off into the back room so he could check on the lamb, then out to the fields. At least Neil’s unannounced surprise meant Andrew wouldn’t have to make his usual rounds later.

An hour later Neil made his way back inside. Andrew didn’t say a word to him, but as he was about to leave Andrew stopped him and forced him to hand over his phone. He programmed his number in. Then shoved him the rest of the way out the door with a warning to text before coming over from then on.

He had given little thought to giving Neil his number. He hadn’t expected him to use it aside from the one reason he had it. Which is why a few days later Andrew hadn’t been expecting to receive a photo of a giant mess of busted jars at Boyd's with the caption; ‘Who tf leaves their child unsupervised around glass?’.

Andrew had checked the message, checked it again, then pocketed his phone without responding. Neil had probably sent it to him by accident. Why the hell would he have sent it on purpose? Andrew put the thought out of his head deciding it must have been meant for Reynolds.

Then a few days later he received another picture. This time of Sir sleeping in a beam of sunlight with the caption; ‘I think she likes it here’. Andrew wasn’t sure if Neil meant in the sunlight, or just in general. Either way, it sounded as if there was an unspoken thank you being said. Which meant Neil had intended it for him. He stared at the picture for a long time. After almost ten minutes he responded with, ‘She would probably like it more if you bought her a cat tree’.

That one response had opened the floodgates. Neil now texted him almost daily, either sending pictures or just telling him about interesting things that had happened. Like pranks Boyd pulled or really good rants from Reynolds about her cases. Nicky was the only other person who texted him as much a Neil did. Even Kevin, who had been his closest friend during high school and the single year Andrew made it through college, only sent updates about his life occasionally.

Andrew thought the constant stream would eventually become bothersome, Nicky’s certainly did, but it hadn’t yet. The way Neil viewed the world and his scathing remarks about his coworkers and customers only added to his interest. However, it did start to raise some questions. Like why would he spend so much of his time texting Andrew when he already spent so much of it here with him. The answer was probably because Neil only knew about four people and was bored. Andrew saw no point in looking for any deeper meaning beyond that. It would only end in disappointment. Andrew knew he wasn’t living some fairy tale where beautiful men suddenly dropped into his life and wanted him in return.

Today they had been working on fixing a broken fence in one of the back fields when Andrew had to stop to take a call from one of his buyers. They were practically done, so he left Neil to finish up and trekked back to the house. In his opinion dealing with people was the worst part of his job. It would be so much better if he could just ignore them all and things could still run smoothly. Sadly, that was impossible. So he sat at his desk and pulled out everything he would need.

Within five minutes Andrew had efficiently gotten all his information across. Unfortunately for him, the call didn’t end there. This particular buyer was a talker. He droned on and on about absolutely nothing for at least an extra twenty minutes every single time he called. The first few times Andrew had just hung up. Then somehow Bee had found out and reminded him that hanging up on his clients was bad for business. So now he just zoned out as the man talked about how the weather was affecting his cheese production and how cute his granddaughter was.

By the time the call ended enough time had passed that Neil should have finished up and left for the day. Andrew pushed down the disappointment he felt at being deprived time spent with him and left his office. He stepped into the living room and froze. There was movement coming from his kitchen. He crossed the room and came to an abrupt halt in the doorway. Neil was still here. He was just standing at the sink washing his hands, but Andrew couldn’t look away. Something about the relaxed set of his shoulders and the ease with which he was moving around Andrew’s home was sending tendrils of warmth creeping up his chest.

This feeling was much harder to push down.

Neil finished drying off his hands and turned around. A brief look of surprise crossed his face, but it quickly morphed into a barely-there smile. “How was the call?”

“Long,” Andrew answered, then asked, “Why are you still here?”

Neil raised a shoulder in a small shrug and leaned back against the counter. “It took me a while to figure out where everything needed to be put up, and I wanted to check in on the lamb before leaving.” He made a small gesture with his hand as he spoke, drawing Andrew's attention down. He had been so focused on Neil that he hadn’t even noticed the damn sheep in his kitchen.

Andrew had decided weeks ago that Neil’s attachment to it was at least fifty percent of the reason he still came. Which might have something to do with why Andrew still let it live in his workroom when really there was no reason it couldn’t be outside with the rest of the sheep now.

He jabbed a finger at the offending animal. “Why is that thing in my kitchen?”

Neil shrugged again. “He followed me.”

“Don’t let him.”

“What, did you want me to shut the door on his little face?” Neil asked affronted. “How could you even suggest that of me, Andrew?”

“He’s a sheep. He isn’t in charge.”

Neil’s smile turned sharp then. Just as it did every time he thought of a particularly biting retort. He opened his mouth to deliver the blow but before he could utter a syllable, his eyes went wide like some kind of great epiphany just struck him.

“That’s it,” he exclaimed as he knelt down beside the sheep to run a hand through its fleece. “I have the perfect name for you.”

“Don’t name the sheep.”

Andrew might as well have not spoken, because the moment the words left his mouth Neil said, “King Fluffkins.”

The sheep released an almost pleased sounding bleat. Neil looked up at Andrew with a smug expression. “He likes it.”

Andrew just blinked at him. He didn’t know how this situation had spun so far out of his control. He’d never allowed anyone to name the sheep before no matter how much Nicky begged. There were too many of them, and they were impossible to tell apart. Yet, here Neil was naming a sheep and bringing it into his house and Andrew couldn’t find it within himself to deny him any of it. 

“You’re ridiculous.”

Neil had the audacity to smile like that was a compliment. The sheep bleated again and nudged its head into his leg. Neil turned back towards it and petted its head like a normal person would pet a dog. The warm feeling from earlier was back with a vengeance. It crept up his chest. When it felt like it was going to work its way up his throat and out of his mouth he had to put a stop to it. He stalked across the kitchen and scooped up the sheep. All while looking at Neil as little as possible.

“Go home, Neil.”

Neil stood, content as always to brush aside Andrew’s rude dismissals, and waved goodbye. “See you both Thursday.”

  
  


* * *

After months of gentle prodding from Matt and unsubtle hints about how he needed to leave his apartment more from Allison, Neil had finally caved and agreed to join them for a night out. He felt comfortable enough around them now that getting dinner would be harmless. What he didn’t understand was why they needed to go all the way to Portland. There were a few restaurants in town that he thought were perfectly acceptable. Though when he had voiced this legitimate question to Allison she had simply scoffed.

They picked a Friday. Which was a day Neil had off from work, but also one of the days he usually spent at Andrew’s. As per Matt’s request to keep his whole day free he stayed home instead. That morning he woke to the sound of the alarm he had forgotten to silence the night before. He slammed his hand down to stop the incessant beeping and realized this would be the first day in over three months that he hadn't either gone in to work or out to Andrew’s. He stared unfocused at the shadows weaving across his ceiling and thought about how different his life had become in such a short time. Even just a year ago he wouldn’t have been able to imagine himself willingly choosing to spend so much time with other people. Now he couldn’t imagine how he had handled all that time spent cooped up alone with only his thoughts.

He heaved himself out of bed when a hungry Sir jumped on his chest demanding food. After a quick run and an even quicker shower, he spent the rest of his morning playing with her and researching various types of cat toys. Renee had sat him down the day he had gone back to adopt Sir and gone over a long list of everything he would need. Just when his brain felt like it was just about to overload she handed him a certificate congratulating him on adopting Sir Fat Cat McCatterson. She laughed at the face he made at Sir’s full name and explained that her previous owner had quite the sense of humor.

Once they reached the apartment he released her from the carrier Renee had supplied then spent the rest of the day nervously watching her. Her leg hadn’t been completely healed yet, and he’d been worried she might re-injure herself. Renee had told him not to worry Sir would know her limits. As he was learning the more time he spent around her Renee was right, he hadn’t needed to worry. Sir healed fine and now spent most of her days napping or darting up and down the cat tree he had bought at Andrew’s suggestion.

Her tree and his bed seemed to be her favorite spots. Which probably had more to do with his lack of furniture than anything else. The only other furniture in the apartment was a small table with two wooden chairs, which she had already scratched long gauges into. He only mourned for the security deposit he wouldn’t be getting back for a moment. Adopting Sir was something he could never regret. Coming home to her instead of an empty apartment made a great deal of difference in his increasingly less lonely life.

Matt called around lunch to say they would be over to pick him up at three. Neil wanted to question why they needed to leave that early, but held his tongue and resigned himself into accepting that this trip was obviously not going to just entail dinner. Exactly on time, Matt pulled up in his giant decked out truck. Neil cursed the shortness he had inherited from his mother’s family as he climbed inside the monstrosity. Dan sat smirking at his struggle from the passenger seat. She was only slightly taller than he and it made him wonder if she also had to work this hard to get into her husband’s truck or if Matt had a special set of extra steps made for her. Probably the ladder.

Once they were on the road out of town they picked up Allison and Renee at their chic mid-century modern farmhouse—Allison’s words—near Renee’s clinic. Even though Matt’s truck was huge, with all five crammed inside, it still felt overcrowded. Especially with how loud most of the other occupants were. The entire hour-long drive was spent talking. Which was something Neil found fascinating. It amazed him how they could spend so much time together, but never run out of things to say. While on the run he and his mother went days or even weeks without communicating beyond yes or no questions. When they did speak, it was about the most mundane subjects. Because of that, his first month at Boyd’s had been overwhelming. He was more used to it now, but still, he was quiet by nurture and didn’t have a lot to add most times.

When they reached Portland Matt pulled up at a large outdoor mall where Allison insisted they valet. Neil was immediately struck by how glitzy all the shops were. He had been to malls with his mother before, but those had all been outdated buildings full of half-empty shops. None of them had looked as sparkling and expensive as these did. With a gleam in her eye that instantly had Neil worried, Allison critically looked up and down at the grey washed out tee-shirt and baggy frayed jeans he had on then dragged him into the closest store. The next two hours were a whirlwind. He was surrounded by piles of clothes, dressing rooms, and French tucks. By the end, Neil had bags full of more clothes than he had ever owned in his life and felt more exhausted than after an entire day spent herding sheep with Andrew.

They were now thankfully far, far away from the mall in a downtown sky-rise where the entire top floor was a five-star restaurant. Before they left the mall Allison had forced him into a bathroom so he could change into one of the new outfits she had hand-picked. At the time he hadn’t appreciated it since he saw nothing wrong with the clothes he had on, but as soon as they stepped foot into this place he was thankful for her pushiness. He would have stuck out like a sore thumb in here.

With no hesitation, Allison strolled up to the hostess stand and casually dropped her name. The hostess's eyes bugged out for a moment before she quickly recovered and lead them straight back to a private dining room with a view of the city.

Allison’s parents were big-time corporate lawyers in Portland. The kind that hosted galas and plastered their faces on billboards. They had happily paid for her college and law school when Allison announced she too wanted to be a lawyer. They even had an office-ready with her name on the door at their firm, but all that changed when she turned down their offer and instead took a job as an A.D.A. They hadn’t been on speaking terms since, but that didn’t stop Allison from using her parent's connections whenever it suited her needs.

Throughout dinner they were plied with free bottles of wine and champagne. Neil wasn’t sure if the attentiveness of the staff was normal for this type of upscale restaurant or if they were just trying to please a Reynolds. Honestly, he didn’t care either. He couldn’t imagine living like this all the time, but for one night out it was kind of fun. His friends were laughing and having a great time and making him feel at ease in a place he would normally feel out of place.

After dinner was over and everyone else was eating their way through the dessert menu and drinking their way through their third round of cocktails Allison lifted her glass in the air and clinked a short manicured nails against it. When she had everyone’s attention she turned in her chair, wobbling only slightly, and leveled Neil with an intense gaze.

“I would like to raise a toast to Neil Josten’s gorgeous smile. It took months to make an appearance, but damn was it worth the wait.”

Neil rolled his eyes good-naturedly as the others cheered and clinked their glasses together. Allison downed her drink then set her eyes right back on Neil. That worrying gleam was back.

“Next time we must invite Minyard so it can be a triple date instead of you fifth wheeling us.”

Neil hadn’t been drinking that night, but her question still made his head feel muddled. “I don’t understand.”

Allison scoffed airily, then began to explain, “A fifth wheel is someone who-”

“No, I know what a fifth wheel is,” Neil said, cutting her off. He worked with teenagers, he was learning new words every day. That wasn’t the part that was confusing. “Why would it be a triple date if Andrew was here?”

Allison pointed two fingers towards Matt and Dan then turned them on herself and Renee. “We’re both couples.”

She didn’t add anything else, but Neil understood her implications perfectly well. He shook his head. “It’s not like that.”

“Really?” She said disbelievingly.

He nodded and looked around the table. Matt and Dan’s expressions were a mirror of Allison’s. Renee was the only one that looked like she believed him. Though that probably had more to do with her being friends with Andrew and knowing the truth from him.

Allison looked around the table as well, as if searching for backup. She found it in Matt, who made an apologetic face before adding, “You do spend a lot of time with him and he doesn’t tolerate most people.”

“That’s because I work there.”

“You don’t work there, sweetie. You aren’t getting paid.” Allison corrected. “You just spend most of your free time there helping him out for nothing in return. Unless you are getting a little something-something,” she said with the overly exaggerated wink of a drunk person.

Neil didn’t respond to her innuendo. So she huffed and added, “I bet the sheep aren’t the only ones having a good roll in the hay.”

Neil spluttered, “That’s not…. We’re not...”

He choked back the rest of his words, he honestly had no idea what else to say. He stared at them in disbelief. He couldn’t understand how spending time helping Andrew equated to dating in their minds. Andrew was his friend just as they were. Except, he was realizing that wasn’t completely true. With Andrew, he never had to be anyone but himself and was never made to feel bad about that. A lot of his coworkers made fun of him for not being able to keep up with their conversations. Even his friends sometimes did it unknowingly. It was never like that with Andrew. If Andrew ever said something Neil didn’t understand, which had happened a few times, he would just move on. Neil appreciated that. Sometimes being forced to watch the best of vine compilations was fun, other times he felt overwhelmed by the number of cultural norms he had missed out on learning while on the run with his mother.

Being at Andrew’s brought him a sense of peace he had never felt before. He could get lost in working with the sheep for hours and not stuck in his own head. There wasn’t room for intrusive thoughts when he had a hundred sheep to deal with all at once. It made his mind quiet in a way it hadn’t been for years, if ever. He wasn’t thinking about his past; not the years spent on the run, not the knives under his skin, not his mother’s dying breath, not the sound of two gunshots ringing out and his father’s body hitting the concrete floor. It was something he could never achieve at Boyds where he was surrounded by people. There a can could hit the floor and his body would jerk as if it had been a gunshot, or a man around his father’s age would walk just a little too close and Neil would flinch away.

He didn’t know how to explain all of that without revealing more about his past than he was willing or legally allowed to. He was sure Allison would see through any kind of excuse he tried to give anyway, so he went with the most simplistic answer he could. “I just like going over there.”

Renee and Dan gave him wide proud smiles but probably for two very different reasons. Matt looked like he wanted to ask more, but held his tongue. Allison though wasn’t satisfied. She waved her hand through the air and said, “No, keep going. I want you to tell us all about how you like going there. Do you like-like it?”

Neil narrowed his eyes at her. He wasn’t going to fall to her goading. Before she could say anything else Renee placed a hand gently on her shoulder, easily drawing her wife’s attention to her, and said, “I think that’s enough, Alli.”

Allison’s lips pulled down into a frown for a second before she threw her hands in the air and said, “Fine.” She turned towards him pointing a finger in his face. “But one day I’m going to get you to admit that you have a crush on Minyard. I mean I kinda get it. All that manual labor sure does wonders for his tiny little body. A hundred bucks says he can out-lift Matt.”

“Bullshit,” Matt shouted, but Neil didn’t hear the ensuing debate. He was too focused on Allison’s previous words. One day last month Andrew and he had been working in the fields, sun relentlessly beating down on them. Andrew had lifted the end of his shirt to wipe the sweat from his brow giving Neil a good view of the vast expanse of muscle underneath. His eyes had held transfixed on a bead of sweat running down Andrew’s chest till it caught in the pale hair around his naval. Then Andrew had dropped his shirt startling Neil into the realization of what he had been doing. His cheeks burned and an unfamiliar heat took root in his stomach. He spent the rest of the day fumbling around like an idiot unable to rid himself of stray thoughts of Andrew’s skin.

His cheeks burned again now just thinking about it.

Allison, who was too perceptive to not have noticed, clearly saw the slight blush, but obeyed her wife’s chiding and didn’t mention it. They spent the rest of the night talking until it was time for the restaurant to close. Thankfully Andrew wasn’t mentioned again. Renee who also hadn’t been drinking drove them all home, and Neil was dropped off with a promise they would do it again soon. He fell asleep to thoughts of his friend’s laughter ringing through his head, and Sir curled into his side.

A few hours later he woke up covered in sweat and trembling. Which wasn’t an odd occurrence, even if nightmares weren’t plaguing his sleep every night anymore. Except, this time it hadn’t been a nightmare at all. No, this dream had been all about Andrew’s broad chest and muscled arms built up from years of heavy lifting farm work, and how solid they would feel underneath Neil’s hands.

Neil curled sideways around Sir burying his burning face in her fur. The dream had been so realistic that he didn’t think he could ever look at Andrew the same again, and was certain he wouldn’t appreciate Neil thinking about him in that way. He felt so weird. He hadn’t ever had those types of thoughts beyond a mild curiosity before and wasn’t sure why he was suddenly having them now about Andrew. He decided to blame Allison for putting them in his head.

  
  


* * *

Andrew finished feeding King and walked out of his workroom just in time to hear his front door slam open and Nicky’s voice call out, “Hey Andrew, did you know there’s another car in the driveway? Do you have a visitor? Should I come back later when you aren’t busy?” Even without being able to see his face Andrew knew Nicky well enough to know he was waggling his eyebrows suggestively as he spoke.

Andrew stepped around the corner into the living room as Nicky dropped his bag to the ground and kicked the door shut. When he saw Andrew he held his arms out wide for a hug. Andrew, in turn, crossed his arms over his chest and asked, “Why are you here?”

“Nice to see you too,” Nicky said dropping his hands dramatically down with a huff. “I’m here because I haven’t seen you in over four months and I missed my favorite lil’ cousin.”

Andrew was about to call him out on his bullshit when Nicky’s eyes went wide and he pointed down towards Andrew’s feet. “Sheep. There’s a sheep in your house.”

Andrew looked down and cursed under his breath. He’d forgotten to shut the door to the workroom. “Dammit, King you’re not supposed to be out here,” he said, leaning toward the sheep, intent on herding him back to where he belonged. 

Nicky’s wide-eyed expression snapped to him. “You named a sheep? You explicitly told me I couldn’t name any of them. That is so unfair.”

“I didn’t name him,” Andrew quickly countered. Then immediately wanted to kick himself.

Nicky’s outraged expression transformed into a sly smirk. “So, you let someone else name your sheep. Is it whoever's car’s parked outside?”

Andrew chose not to answer. He’d already said too much. Nicky really didn’t need to know anything about a certain auburn-haired menace in his life that he let get away with things.

Except, of course, at that exact moment, the back door banged open, and Neil called out, “Andrew, have you seen King?”. Nicky’s smile turned ecstatic. Neil stepped into the room and came to an abrupt halt as soon as he noticed Nicky. “Oh, hello.”

Nicky’s mouth dropped. His eyes darted from Neil to Andrew and then back again. He looked shocked, and Andrew really couldn’t blame him. Neil was certainly shocking. The fact that he was standing in Andrew’s house, a layer of dust covering his tattered jeans, and looking for a sheep made it even more so.

Thankfully, for once Nicky didn’t say anything stupid. “Hi, I’m Nicky, Andrew’s cousin.”

“Neil.”

Nicky’s censor didn’t last long though. He waggled his eyebrows and Andrew knew he was about to say something incredibly inappropriate. Before he got the chance Andrew cut in, “Neil helps with the sheep, that is all.” He stared intently at his cousin hoping he would understand. Nicky narrowed his eyes at him, returning his stare. Finally, Nicky surrendered. He flapped his hands around in the air but held his tongue.

Neil watched their silent, staring contest with a look of confusion, but didn’t comment on it. Instead, he walked over to Andrew’s side and whisked King up into his arms. “I’m taking him out back,” he said as he turned and retreated quickly the way he had come.

Andrew and Nicky both watched him leave.

At the sound of the backdoor closing Andrew turned to see Nicky doing that excited thing he did with his face. “Holy shit Andrew, there is an actual man in your house! I thought you only talked to the sheep at this point.”

Andrew stared boredly at his cousin. “I don’t talk to the sheep, and I’m not going to talk to you any longer if this conversation continues.”

“Okay fine,” Nicky sighed. “At least tell me you’re hitting that.”

Andrew remained silent and hoped his best fuck off stare conveyed his answer.

Nicky got the message, but it only incited him more. He threw his hands in the air. “Oh, come on Andrew. You see him, right? He’s a hottie, with a capital H. Those eyes and those cheekbones. A man could cut himself if he isn’t too careful.” Then he gasped loudly. Hands flying down to cover his mouth and eyes going wide. “Oh shit, is he straight? That would be a tragedy. Like worse-than-Hamlet level tragedy.”

Andrew ignored Nicky’s unnecessary dramatics. He also ignored his question. He didn’t know how to answer it anyway since he wasn’t sure what Neil was. According to Renee, Allison said that Neil admitted to having never dated before and refused to answer their questions about which way he swung. Even if Neil did swing his way, it wouldn’t matter. Neil with his mesmerizing blue eyes, perpetually messy auburn hair, and fiery quick wit was not someone Andrew had any chance with.

He would not waste his breath explaining that to Nicky. He knew it would only make him get that sad look on his face and take a page from Bee’s book telling him he deserved good things in life too. Andrew didn’t care to hear any of that. Especially when it came to Neil. So, he changed the subject instead. “Why are you really here?”

Nicky’s face fell at the abrupt change. The niceties were over. Andrew wanted to know the real reason Nicky had driven down here from Portland without calling first. “Aaron wants to know why you haven’t rsvp’d yet?”

“Cause I’m not.”

“Not rsvp’ing or not going at all?”

Andrew didn’t answer. Which was answer enough.

“You have to go, Andrew,” Nicky exclaimed loudly. He held his hands out towards Andrew like he was willing to drag him to Portland himself.

Andrew took a measured step away. “I do not have to do anything.”

Nicky opened his mouth to say something Andrew knew he wouldn’t want to hear. So, he turned and walked away before Nicky could speak hoping that would be the end of it. Except Nicky wasn’t the type to give up that easily. Andrew had just swung the back door open when Nicky caught up to him. “Andrew, It’s your brother’s wedding. You have to go.”

Rage boiled up. He didn’t want to talk about this. Didn’t want to think about his brother’s fast approaching wedding. Hell, he didn’t want to think about his brother and his broken promises at all. They had hardly spoken since their freshman year of college when everything between them had imploded. He certainly didn’t give two shits about Aaron’s sudden interest in mending their relationship now.

He turned back in the doorway and got as close to Nicky as he could before the proximity made his skin crawl. “No, I don’t. And if you continue to talk about this, I will throw you out of my house and you will never come back.”

Nicky’s eyes grew wide. He faltered, taking a step back and raising his hands in the air. When Andrew was sure Nicky understood that he was deadly serious he spun back around and stomped the rest of the way across the porch. He pulled his cigarette pack out of his back pocket and shook one free. It took a few tries to light it since his hands were shaking from anger and frustration. Once it was finally lit he shoved the pack back into his pocket and looked out across the yard. Neil was sitting in the grass, eyes watching him. No doubt having overheard that last bit of conversation. Neil held his gaze until Andrew grew tired of it. He flicked his cigarette ash dismissively making Neil finally look away.

The back door quietly closed and Nicky moved to stand beside him. “I promise to not bring it up again,” he said voice hushed. Andrew nodded trusting that Nicky would keep his word. At least for the rest of the day.

Nicky moved away to take a seat on one of the rocking chairs and said, “Oh, by the way, Erik and I had dinner with Betsy. She wants you to call her. I know it’s super early but the fashion kids keep bugging her about the next wool shipment. When do you think the sheep will be ready to shear?”

Andrew thought for a moment. Then blew out a stream of smoke and answered, “A few months.”

“Thought so. Just give us a few weeks' notice and we’ll come down to help,” Nicky said, voice cheerful again like Andrew hadn’t threatened to throw him out two minutes before. Nicky glanced out into the yard. “Neil, are you going to help us shear this year?”

Neil looked up at the question. First to Nicky then immediately over to Andrew. He seemed to be searching his face to find his answer. Andrew kept his face carefully blank. He wasn’t sure which would be the lesser evil. On one hand, shearing every year with only three people was a lot of tiring work, especially since Nicky and Erik had their own jobs and lives in Portland. Having Neil here would be a much-needed help.

On the other hand, Andrew wasn’t sure that having Neil here with his family was something he wanted. Not only did Nicky and Erik come out, but Bee as well. A heart condition kept her from toiling away in the fields with them, but she made up for it by making sure they ate and stay hydrated all week. Having Neil here at the same time as his mother, with her sharp observations, was not something he was prepared to deal with yet.

Ignorant of Andrew’s inner turmoil Nicky kept pushing. “You should. Shearing is so much work, and Andrew never lets us hire extra people. He doesn’t trust anyone else with his sheep.”

Neil’s eyebrows raised in surprise over that tidbit of information. No doubt questioning why Andrew had trusted him then. Damn, if Nicky could go one day without over-sharing that would be great. Neil searched Andrew’s face again before looking back to Nicky and shrugging. “If it’s alright with Andrew I guess I can help. As long as I don’t have work.”

Nicky beamed at him. Neil buckled under the weight of Nicky’s thousand-watt smile and turned his head away. “What do you use the wool for?”

Nicky jumped to answer the question. “Whenever Andrew took over the farm five years ago it was struggling. So in order to help it make more money, Betsy started a program with the fashion students to sell them the wool directly. The process is so cool. They weave it and spin it all themselves.”

Andrew and Neil had talked previously about how he had acquired a barely functioning farm. It had been left to Bee by her great aunt. At the time Bee hadn’t wanted to quit her job as a psychiatrist at the University of Oregon but also hadn’t wanted to let the farm fall into complete disrepair either. She always had a good relationship with her aunt and wanted to honor her wishes to keep the farm going. With no way of doing both Andrew made her an offer. It was the summer after his freshman year of college and he knew he wouldn’t be going back the next semester. So he offered to take over the farm in exchange for Bee being cool about him not finishing college.

“Is that why the sheep aren’t all white?” Neil asked.

“Neil, you can’t just ask why the sheep aren’t white,” Nicky said in faux outrage before laughing at his own joke.

Andrew watched in amusement as Neil made that face he made whenever he didn’t get something and was trying very hard to understand why. Whatever Neil’s life had been like before obviously didn’t involve a lot of movie watching. Andrew made a mental note to add Mean Girls to the ever-growing list he would force Neil to watch if he ever got the chance.

Nicky slid Andrew a ‘wtf’ look while Neil continued to stare uncomprehendingly back at them. Andrew shook his head, there was really no point in explaining. So Nicky turned back to Neil. “Anyways,” he said dragging out the last syllable. “Yes. The more natural colors the less dye is used, and they eat that shit up.”

“Is that how the farm makes money?”

“No,” Andrew answered this time. “It’s still mostly a milk-producing farm.”

Nicky jumped in again. “Andrew sells the milk to companies that make it into cool stuff like cheese and yogurt, then they sell it to natural grocers all over the place.”

“I didn’t realize you were so eco-friendly,” Neil said turning to look at him.

Andrew waved a hand through the air. “Bee’s ideas.”

“Bee?”

“His mom, well adopted mom, Betsy,” Nicky answered, drawing Neil’s attention. “That’s what he calls her. Isn’t it cute?”

Andrew had the sudden urge to throttle his cousin, but then Neil’s eyes locked on his. “Very. Is that why you have bee-painted plates in the kitchen?”

“Shut up.” Andrew couldn’t look at his stupidly <strike>hot</strike> smug face anymore so he looked away. Except he looked right at Nicky who was wearing an equally smug smile. “Go make yourself useful and start dinner.”

“Fine, I’ll leave you two alone,” Nicky said with a wink.

He watched as Nicky flounced his way inside and shut the door firmly behind him before turning to look at Neil. He was staring unabashedly back at him. Like he could figure Andrew out if he just stared long and hard enough.

“So you’re adopted?”

Andrew stepped off the porch and walked into the grass. He dropped to sit in front of Neil offering him his half-burned down cigarette. “Astute listening skills you have.”

Neil took the stick and waved the comment aside. Trailing smoke in the air as he did. “Is that why Nicky looks nothing like you?”

“No, unfortunately, Nicky is related by blood.”

“How does that work?”

“Do I really need to explain the definition of blood relative to you?”

“Oh, shut up. I mean if you’re adopted how do you know you're related?”

What a loaded question Neil didn’t realize he was asking. Andrew rarely bothered explaining his long complicated past to most people. Most people didn’t usually ask either. Neil wasn’t most people. Andrew stole his cigarette back from Neil and took a long drag before answering.

“Bee was working as a counselor in a youth program in Portland that my foster mother at the time signed me up for.” He took another long drag. He didn’t like talking about Cass. “She was the first foster mother I had that was good. She even wanted to adopt me. The only problem was her real son didn’t understand no means no.” He took another long drag. If talking about Cass was bad, talking about Drake was hell. “Cass either didn’t see or refused to see his abuse, but Bee did. Bee got me out of that house then adopted me herself. I was fourteen.”

Neil’s face had grown serious as he spoke, but Andrew didn’t miss the way he hadn’t flinched away from harder to swallow parts of his past like most people would. Renee being the only other person who had taken them head on as well. Those ideas he had formed about Neil’s past being similar to theirs was gaining ground.

A dark looked entered Neil’s eyes. “What happened to him? The son?”

“He was killed in prison two years ago. Turns out pedophiles aren’t tolerated anywhere.”

The dark look in Neil’s eyes that promised blood and pain was still there, but it had taken on a more satisfied edge at Andrew’s answer. Wasn’t he just proving more and more fascinating.

They sat in comfortable silence, letting the air settle between them before Neil spoke again. “None of that explains Nicky.”

Andrew released a put-upon sigh and continued, “One day I received a letter in the mail. One of the officers who dealt with my case thought he had run into me at a baseball game. Except it wasn’t me. It was my twin brother.”

“You have a twin?” Neil asked, eyebrows raising halfway up his forehead.

“Yes. Our birth mother had twins but decided she didn’t want both. So she gave one of us up for adoption and kept the other to raise in her own abusive care.”

Andrew waited to see if Neil had anything to say to that. He remained silent, patiently waiting for Andrew to continue. “We were in contact for about two years before she overdosed. Aaron moved in with me and Bee until we finished high school. We even went to the same college, but that turned out to be a mistake.”

“Where is he now?”

“Starting his third year of medical school in Portland.”

Neil nodded but asked no more questions. Andrew knew he was waiting for him to ask something in return. There had been no formal agreement, but somewhere along the way they had started trading in equal truths. Neil didn’t like talking about his past, but everything Andrew had just flayed open and bleed out had him feeling a bit merciless. “Where is your family Neil?”

“Dead.” Neil didn’t say, and I’m glad, but Andrew heard it anyway.

Nicky ducked his head out the door then, before anything else could be offered up. “Neil, are you staying for dinner?”

Neil, like earlier, looked from Nicky to Andrew like he was trying to gauge what Andrew wanted before answering. This time Andrew knew exactly what he wanted. “Are you staying, Neil?”

“I’m staying.”

  
  


* * *

“Shit.”

Literally shit.

One moment Neil had been chasing after a sheep who was trying to escape through a gate he had carelessly left open. The next he was lying on his back staring up at the cloudless blue sky, all the breath knocked from his lungs. He’d slipped in something soft, and he had a sinking feeling he knew what it was. He peered down and groaned at the gigantic pile of sheep poop at his feet.

To add to his shitty situation, the entire ground was caked in mud from a rainstorm that had passed through a couple of hours before. He groaned again and sat up. His shirt made an awful suctioning noise as he peeled himself off the wet ground. When he was finally standing he took stock to see how much damage had been done. The results were pretty bad. His back was soaked, his arms and hands were dripping with mud, and he could feel it oozing through his hair and down his neck. He itched to wipe the grimy feeling away.

He gripped the bottom of his shirt, prepared to sacrifice it for the greater good, but couldn’t get his fingers to budge. His arms locked into place as his heart began to pound in his chest. He willed himself to relax, but his body wouldn’t cooperate. The fear that had been built into him over a lifetime of diligently hiding the scars littering his torso from evading his mobster father wouldn’t allow him to show them now. His mother had always made sure they were covered, knowing that if they were ever seen they would raise questions they couldn’t afford to answer. Even now when there was no one around he could still hear his mother’s harsh voice whispering in his ear.

He took a handful of deep breaths. Trying to calm down and repeated over and over that there was no one around to see. The only person within miles was Andrew. Last time Neil saw him he had been only about halfway through milking in the furthest barn. The path between the field and the house didn’t come anywhere close to that barn, so there was really no reason Neil couldn’t make it without being spotted. With new determination, he gripped the edge of his shirt with shaking fingers and yanked it off.

He shuddered at the feeling of open-air blowing against his skin. Once his heart didn’t feel like it was going to explode he wiped as much mud from his head, neck, and arms as he could then balled his shirt up tightly. His shoes squelched uncomfortably with every step that brought him closer to the house. His destination was an outdoor shower Andrew had installed for all those days he was too filthy to go inside. Neil was just glad it was a fully enclosed stall and not just a rinse station. As he approached the backyard he stopped and peered ahead to make sure there were no signs of movement. Everything was still. Not willing to risk any chances he hurried as quickly as he could to the wrap-around porch.

He had just set foot on the last step when all of his fears came to fruition. The back door creaked open and Andrew stepped out.

Time froze.

Neil couldn’t move. His eyes fixed on Andrew who had stuttered to a halt as well. His eyes dropped down to Neil’s bare chest and held. He sucked in a barely noticeable inhale of breath before his eyes snapped back up.

Time started again.

Neil took a shaky step back and pathetically held his soiled shirt up in an attempt to cover his chest, but the damage was already done.

Neither said a word. The only sound was the reverberations of the screen door slamming shut behind Andrew. The air between them was suffocating. Neil wanted nothing more than to run for cover but felt rooted to the ground by Andrew’s intense stare alone. He needed to say something. Needed to dispel the tension. He racked his brain, but the only thing that came out was, “I fell.”

Andrew nodded. Never taking his eyes away from Neil’s.

“I was going to wash off,” Neil added pointing dumbly towards the shower only a few feet away.

Andrew nodded again. An infinitely long second dragged by before the tension was finally broken. Without a word Andrew turned and walked back inside. Neil stood there blinking at the now vacant spot feeling as if he had whiplash from Andrew’s abrupt arrival and departure. He tried to wrap his mind around the whole encounter before giving up and darting into the shower. Once inside he clicked the lock solidly into place then leaned his head heavily against the wall. He counted as high as he could in every language he knew.

When his heart had returned to its normal rhythm he shucked off the rest of his dirty clothes and stepped under the steaming spray. He took a long time allowing the hot water to soothe his frazzled nerves. After he finished washing off he debated about how to explain his scars to Andrew. Best-case scenario he wouldn’t have to. Andrew had accepted a lot of the other oddities about him no questions asked, but a chest full of scars was probably something he couldn’t overlook.

He turned the water off and realized again what a complete idiot he was. He had no towel. He also had no clean clothes. Which meant he was stranded outside of Andrew’s house naked.

He was silently lamenting the whole shitshow of the last twenty minutes when his phone buzzed loudly from where it was shoved in his jeans pocket. He pulled it out. Luckily he hadn’t landed on it and crushed it. It was a text from Andrew that read: ‘Check outside’.

Trusting Andrew, Neil opened the stall door a tiny smidge and peeked out. Within reach sat a towel and a stack of clean clothes. He snaked an arm out to grab the pile relieved and thankful for Andrew's thoughtfulness. He vigorously rubbed himself dry then changed into the black sweatpants and hoodie. They were soft against his skin and smelled faintly of Andrew. He decided not to question why he found that comforting.

He left his dirty clothes in a pile by the back door, and with a deep breath stepped inside. Andrew was sitting on the sofa facing away from him. He was so still that for a second Neil could almost imagine he was a marble statue. But as he stepped closer his foot landed on a creaky floorboard breaking the illusion. Andrew slowly turned to look at him. His gaze was just as heavy as before. He knew Andrew was expecting an explanation and Neil’s urge to run and never speak of this again was back. Then Andrew’s head tilted curiously to the side as if reading Neil’s thoughts and found it funny that he thought he could run from this. There was no running. Neil walked around to the front of the sofa and took a seat. He would face this head on.

Andrew tracked his movements until he sat down, then he went back to staring at the wall in front of him. His face was completely devoid of emotion, but the tense set of his shoulders gave away his unease. At first, Neil thought it was because of what he had seen outside. Then he noticed Andrew’s bare forearms laid palm up on his lap. Neil had never seen Andrew without his armbands on before. Now he understood why. Pale lines of crisscrossed scars were marked from wrist to elbow. Neil’s eyes traveled across Andrew’s arms noting every scar until the meaning behind his actions hit him like a ton of bricks. He snapped his eyes up and was met with Andrew’s impassive gaze.

Neil swallowed hard to clear the lump in his throat. “You don’t have to do this.”

“I saw yours without permission. I am just making us even.”

“That was an accident,” Neil said shaking his head. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t do anything I don’t want to.”

Neil knew it wasn’t that easy, but the steely resolve in Andrew’s eyes told him not to question his decision. Neil nodded his acceptance and dropped his gaze back down. There were so many scars. Some were thick and jagged while others were razor-thin. Overlapping in some places, while meticulous in others. They all had one thing in common though. They were all old.

“I did this so I could stay with Cass,” Andrew answered an unasked question. “It was how I survived in that house.”

Neil remembered the name. The taste of blood flooded his mouth at the thought of her pedophile son who had abused Andrew. He had to bite his tongue to keep from saying anything. Knowing Andrew wouldn’t appreciate him getting angry at crimes that had been committed against him years ago. The only thing he could give Andrew now was an equal trade. He gripped the edges of his borrowed hoodie and pulled it over his head without hesitation.

“Neil,” Andrew started, sounding like a half-hearted warning. “You don’t have—”

Neil cut him off. “I know I don’t have to. I don’t do anything I don’t want to anymore either.”

Andrew stared hard at him. Probably in an attempt to discern if Neil was lying or pushing himself too far. But Neil was fine. If it had been anyone else he wouldn’t have been. Most people wouldn’t understand. Most people would look at him and feel pity for the life he had lived. But Andrew wouldn’t. Andrew would look at him and understand. Understand that all that pain he had suffered through meant he had survived, and that was all the reason he needed to be fine with this. He stared back at Andrew just as hard, letting his determination show through.

Finally, Andrew dropped his gaze to the ruined expanse of Neil’s chest. Unlike before when he had been taken by surprise Andrew knew what to expect and didn’t betray a reaction. For that, Neil was beyond grateful. Andrew took in the scars tracing every single one with his eyes like he could commit them to memory. After several minutes his hand twitched forward, and his fingers stretched out. Neil tensed. Andrew noticed immediately and dropped his hand back down. He searched Neil’s eyes to see if he was still fine with this.

“I’m fine,” Neil said taking a deep breath, then came to a quick decision. “You can touch them if you want.”

Andrew gave a slight nod and reached slowly out, giving Neil enough time to change his mind if he needed. He didn’t. Andrew’s hand crossed that last breath of distance between them and settled on the long looping scar on his collarbone. He let his hand rest there for a moment before brushing the tips of his fingers down then back up and across to the iron brand on his shoulder.

Every single scar left on Neil’s body was the result of excruciating pain. He had been cut and burned over and over till his torso became a road map of the horrors he had faced for so many years. In all that time he had hardly known a touch that didn’t end in pain. It left him woefully unprepared to deal with the way Andrew was touching him now. His touch made Neil mourn for a life that never was. A life where he hadn’t been born Nathaniel Wesninski, where touches could have always been like this.

He quickly cast those thoughts aside as useless. Instead, he focused on Andrew’s face and thought about a future as Neil Josten where touches were soft and didn’t leave everlasting scars.

After a few minutes Neil started to speak. He had not only seen Andrew’s scars but been given the reason behind them. Now Neil owed him an equal trade. He explained each scar as Andrew passed over them holding nothing back. He didn’t give names and didn’t explain why he had lived such a violent life, and Andrew didn’t ask. He accepted the information he was given with a nod and moved on. Neil was pushing the boundaries set on him by WITSEC but trusted Andrew would keep these secrets and more.

When he finished he pulled his shirt back on and Andrew slide his armbands out from under his thigh and back into place. Neil felt wrung out. He hadn’t felt this emotionally exhausted since giving every secret he ever held to the FBI. He knew Andrew felt the same. He could see it in the weary set of his eyes. Neil didn’t want to run now though. Walking away from everything they had just laid bare was the last thing he wanted to do. But he wasn’t sure if that’s what Andrew wanted. So he waited patiently for Andrew to make his decision. After a few moments, Andrew picked up the remote and scrolled through Netflix until he found a movie.

“Have you seen this?”

Neil shook his head.

Andrew hit play and the opening title lit up the screen. Afterward, Neil couldn’t say what the movie had been about. He’d spent the whole time trying to subtly watch Andrew and think about a future he had never been allowed to have before.

  
  


* * *

Andrew jerked awake drenched in a cold sweat. The room was pitch-black. He checked his clock and groaned when he saw that it was only four-thirty. He still had an hour and a half before he needed to be awake and knew there was no chance of him falling back asleep. He flopped down onto his pillow and stared at his darkened ceiling letting his mind drift to what had woken him so early. It wasn’t a dream. He hadn’t been dreaming at all, or if he had he couldn’t remember now. Instead, what had startled him into wakefulness had been a mere fleeting thought his sleeping brain had conjured.

Bee was coming to visit today.

Bee coming to visit wasn’t really an issue in and of itself. No, the real issue was that Neil would be here as well, and Andrew had yet to inform either of them of that fact. Neil, of course, knew who Bee was, and had heard quite a bit about her. Bee also knew of Neil. Andrew had called her the day after he had woken him up in the middle of the night to rant about what kind of person did that. He had also told her Neil had come out a few times to work as repayment. What Andrew had failed to mention was how often Neil still came by and just how deeply ingrained into his daily life he had become. Really what was he supposed to say; oh, by the way, Bee that guy I mentioned before still comes around and hey I did something irrecoverably stupid.

It had been five months since he first met Neil. All that time spent together working, texting, watching movies, exchanging truths was doing nothing to hamper Andrew’s one-sided attraction. In fact, it was having the opposite effect. He was falling harder. Neil understood him in a way no one ever had before. They both shared a past marred by pain. They type of pain that no one should ever have to endure. Even though they were free to move forward with their lives now the tragedies of their pasts were like hooks in their skin constantly weighing them down. People who hadn’t lived that type of life really couldn’t understand the daily struggle of constantly putting one foot in front of the other.

Yet, none of that mattered. Neil was a pipedream.

Andrew knew this and was still letting himself fall anyway. Like an idiot, he was ignoring the inevitable crash. He wasn’t going to be able to ignore it for much longer though. Bee would see. She had always had the uncanny ability to read him. Or maybe he was easy to read and she was just the first to try. Either way, he couldn’t hide from her. She would take one look at him and know.

He closed his eyes and willed himself to not think about it anymore. The outcome was inevitable. Bee coming and thrusting everything he was trying to hide into the light wouldn’t change it.

Hours later, Bee arrived a little after two. Giving him about an hour to mentally prepare himself before Neil got there. He was happy to see her. It had been a while since her last visit, and her presence always did wonders to help ground him. After tucking her things away in the guest bedroom that was specifically for her they went on a short stroll around the fields. Ever since she was a little girl Bee had loved coming to visit her great aunt’s sheep. Her aunt, who had never married or had children of her own, loved doting on her in return. And lesbi-honest there was probably a reason her aunt had never married. If her close female friend that lived here with her until they both passed away was any indication of her orientation.

He and Bee walked for about thirty minutes outside before coming back in and heating up hot chocolate on the stove. With warm mugs in hand, they sat down on the sofa to catch up. He wondered if she could see his anxiousness growing as his eyes continually flicked to the steadily ticking clock.

They were talking about a marketing campaign of Nicky’s that was about to launch when their conversation was interrupted. The front door, which he had left unlocked on purpose, opened and Neil stepped in. He halted immediately, eyes darting between them clearly caught off guard.

Andrew carefully schooled his face into an impassive mask as Bee looked from Neil to him, and then back. Ever the hospitable, she spoke first, “Hello come in. I’m Betsy but you can call me Bee if you like. Sorry if I seem surprised. Andrew didn’t tell me anyone else would be joining us today.”

Recognition set over Neil’s face as he closed the door behind him. “I’m Neil.”

“Oh,” Bee said casting a glance at Andrew that said he had a lot of explaining to do later. “Hello Neil, Andrew has mentioned you before.”

Neil’s eyes widened. Obviously surprised that Andrew had spoken of him to his mother. Probably not believing he was someone anyone else cared enough to talk about. Little did he know he had been the talk of the whole town for months now. His surprise didn’t last long. A myriad of micro-expressions flitted over his face before he settled on teasing half-smile. “Then it must have been all bad.”

“Nonsense,” Bee protested. “Why would it be all bad?”

Neil turned his half-cocked smile on Andrew. “He complains so much about me that I just assumed it was all he could do now.”

A few thoughts strayed through Andrew’s head about what it meant to assume things, but before he could voice them Bee turned her look on him. “Andrew you shouldn’t complain about someone who is helping you out.” Her words sounded chiding, but he could see the laugh in her eyes. She was enjoying herself.

Neil nodded agreeingly at Bee. “That’s a good point. That doesn’t seem to stop him though.” Neil’s eye drew back to him. “He especially likes to complain about the time I accidentally let the sheep into the wrong field and he couldn’t find them for a whole day. Or when I attached all the milking tubes backward.”

Oh, if Neil was going to play that game, so could Andrew. “Or when you let one of the sheep into the house and now I can’t get it to leave,” he said gesturing down at King who lay in the center of the rug.

Neil hummed and made his way over to King, plopping down undignified on the floor beside him. He ran a hand through his fleece and said, “You being inside isn’t a bad thing. Is it King?.”

Earlier Bee had cooed and subtly prodded about why Andrew was allowing a sheep inside his house when he had been so adamant about them not being pets before. Andrew had stubbornly remained tight-lipped. He had known that as soon as Neil showed up she would get her answers. He hadn’t seen the point in explaining twice.

Now she made a knowing face at him then turned towards Neil and asked, “King?”

“That’s his name, King Fluffkins. Andrew keeps threatening to put him outside with the other sheep, but we don’t listen to him because we both know he is just as attached. That’s why he ‘accidentally’ leaves the workroom door open so often.”

“Bullshit,” Andrew muttered, but it was covered up by Bee’s laughter.

“So the sheep is running the house now, what an appropriate name then. Who picked it?”

“He did”, Andrew answered. “He’s just as bad as Nicky.”

Neil shrugged then buried his face in King’s thick fleece. He looked so ridiculous, Andrew couldn’t tear his eyes away.

He continued to stare until the feeling of eyes boring holes into the side of his face forced him to tear his gaze away. Bee’s knowing smile was in full force. It had taken her approximately two minutes to grasp the predicament he had gotten himself into. He wondered what kind of conclusion she had drawn. He couldn’t stand the look for long, but couldn’t look back at Neil either, so he fixed his eyes on a random point on the far wall. Even without looking at her he could still feel Bee’s steady gaze radiating towards him. “Shut up.”

Neil raised his head up in confusion, Bee huffed out a laugh, and Andrew had to leave. He suddenly felt suffocated. He made his way to the kitchen and poured a generous shot of whiskey in his hot chocolate. From his spot leaned up against the counter he could hear Bee and Neil talking from the other room. He couldn’t quite make out what they were saying but knew her well enough to know she was probably asking her perceptively mundane questions. He felt torn between wanting to know how Neil was handling her needling and leaving him there to fend for himself against her.

He stalled for a few moments before returning with his sufficiently spiked hot chocolate. Bee smiled at him as he repositioned himself on the couch, obviously delighted by whatever she had been discussing with Neil. Neil, on the other hand, looked like he just realized threats could look like rosy-cheeked middle-aged women with short mousy brown hair. She continued to talk and ask Neil questions which he did his best to not answer without looking as though he was trying to avoid answering. It was amusing to watch him squirm under her scrutiny. An hour later Bee excused herself to take a phone call from one of her patients, and Neil used the opportunity to flee outside to the fields.

When Bee returned about twenty minutes later she didn’t seem at all surprised that Neil was gone. Instead, she picked up the fresh mug of hot chocolate Andrew had poured her and smiled at him over the rim. “Neil seems nice.”

He almost laughed. Neil Josten was a lot of things, but Andrew wasn’t sure nice was one of them. “He talked his way around answering most of your questions.”

Bee’s intelligent smile turned sharp. “Yes he did, but he did it in a very nice way and without outright lying to me.”

Andrew rolled his eyes at her. Her standards must be tragically low.

“I can see why you like him, and why you didn’t tell me about how often he’s here. Though I must confess that Nicky might have let slip that you had a ‘total hottie’ helping you.”

Andrew cursed his cousin. “So you knew, but didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t say anything either,” she countered. “Plus, I wanted to see you in person before bringing it up.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway. It’s nothing.”

“So you two are not—”

“No.”

“I see,” Bee said with a solemn nod. She remained silent for a few minutes before adding, “Even if you two never have a romantic or physical relationship the friendship you have is still important, and I’m glad you have it.”

Andrew could only nod, and down the rest of his mug. He had accepted that long before Bee said the words aloud. Still having someone else confirm it was like driving the final nail into the coffin. For the rest of the day, his mind whispered pipedream, pipedream, pipedream.

  
  


* * *

Neil had been trying and failing to fall asleep for the past two hours. It was late, and unwanted thoughts were creeping in like the shadows on his walls. Earlier he had avoided them by drifting in and out of sleep, but as the sun set and the world grew darker so had his thoughts. Enough that now any attempt at sleep failed as soon as his eyes fell shut. Each time he would be snatched alert by the feeling of desperate hands clawing at his hair.

He gave up on trying to sleep altogether and cracked the window open above his bed. He let cigarette after cigarette burn down to the filter. The smell of the acrid smoke was a harsh reminder of the reason he couldn’t sleep.

Today was Mary Hatford’s birthday.

Birthday’s weren’t really something that had ever meant much to them. How could they to two people who had as many different birthdays as false names. Yet, despite his mother’s warnings to leave the past behind Neil had always carried their actual birth dates with him in memory. Every year he allowed himself a few moments to quietly celebrate another year in which his father hadn’t caught up to them. He didn’t dare speak of this to his mother though. Knowing all he would receive for those well wishes was the back of her hand and harsh whispers about what a fool he was.

Then it all came to an end in flames and gasping breaths.

On her birthday last year he had been too busy testifying against his father’s gang to really give thought to what her absence meant for his future. The only brief thought he could spare her was how those testimonies were the best present he could ever give her. She hadn’t survived, but neither had they. This year he had nothing but time, and the life he was living felt like a betrayal. It was something she could have never understood, never accepted, never allowed. He could pretend all he wanted that she would be happy he was safe but knew she would have never believed him safe by putting his life in the hands of WITSEC. If she were alive now her well-intentioned paranoia would have kept them living a life running from ghosts.

Today was his mother’s birthday and he wasn’t sad she was gone.

That was what was bothering him most. He loved her and he missed her fiercely, but couldn’t bring himself to regret the way his life had turned out.

Despite not getting much sleep the night before he had still dragged himself into work this morning. Matt had taken one look at him and turned him right back around, telling him to take the next few days off as well. Matt had assumed the bags under his eyes and the ghastly pale coloring of his face were from being sick. Neil hadn’t had the energy or want to explain the real reason, and readily returned to his apartment to fall right back into bed.

Smoke curled off the tip of his cigarette, trailing through the open window. He watched with detachment as the ember slowly died out from not having life breathed into it. Once the red glow finally snuffed out the room was cast into shadows. He sat for a long time shrouded in darkness until his thoughts were broken by a blue glow lighting up the room. His body jerked at the sudden intrusion until it clicked that it was just his cell phone. He hadn’t bothered to check it all day, and the battery was probably dying.

Careful to not disturb Sir from where she was curled by his legs he reached for his phone where he had haphazardly thrown it at the foot of his bed earlier. His body ached as he stretched out. Muscles and bones rigid from sitting in the same position for too long. The battery blinked at 5%. It was silenced, which explained the two missed texts. The first was from Matt from this afternoon saying he hoped Neil felt better. The second was from Andrew. It was a picture of King in Andrew’s bathroom surrounded by a whole roll of chewed up toilet paper with the caption: ‘This is your fault. It’s staying here till you come clean it up.’

His face twitched. It could have almost been a smile if he had been capable of smiling in that instant.

He stared at the picture till the room went dark and a voice that sounded like Andrew’s was calling his name.

“Neil.”

“Andrew?”

There was a huff, then, “Who else? You called me.”

Neil held the phone away from his face. Sure enough, he had made the outgoing call a minute before. He hadn’t realized it. His mouth worked in silence trying to think of a reason why, but nothing sufficient came to mind. “Do you still want me to come clean up King’s mess?”

“It’s late.”

A lot of things crossed Neil’s mind at that. The most prominent being an apology for calling and mostly likely waking Andrew in the middle of the night. He ultimately decided against it because he knew Andrew would just find a way to make him repay him later. Instead, he said, “I can’t sleep.”

Neil heard a groan followed by shuffling noises. “Hurry up then. The mess isn’t going clean itself.”

He waited, phone still at his ear before he realized Andrew had hung up. Then he moved quickly hauling himself out of bed and pulling on clean clothes. On his way out the door he made a last-second decision. He scooped Sir off the floor from where she had been following him, and carefully tucked her into his arms. Her radiating warmth and rhythmic purring had been helping settle him all day and he didn’t want to leave her now.

When he arrived at Andrew’s he juggled to open the door with one hand and hold Sir in the other. As soon as he stepped inside Sir wriggled free. She dropped to the ground and cautiously made a path to where King was curled in front of the sofa. King didn’t seem perturbed by her stalking. He merely lifted his head to look her over once before laying back down. Once Sir finished inspecting him she continued on to explore the rest of the house.

Andrew’s eyes had been on him the whole time, but Neil hadn’t been able to bring himself to look back. Finally, as Sir slipped out of sight towards the kitchen he looked up. Andrew looked sleepy, wrapped in a blanket and tucked into the side of the couch. Again, Neil felt bad for waking him. Andrew held his eyes for a moment before nodding in the general direction of the bathroom. Neil got the message.

The small hall bath was a disaster. It looked much worse than in the photo. It took him a good ten minutes to painstakingly pick up every last piece of shredded toilet paper. Once he finished he made his way back to the living room. Andrew looked as though he hadn’t moved, except now curled in his fingers was a steaming mug of hot chocolate. King was still at his feet, and Sir had made a spot for herself on the back of the sofa obviously finished exploring the house. It made for a ridiculously cozy-looking picture, and Neil was exhausted. Like he could read his mind Andrew lifted the corner of the blanket in invitation. Neil didn’t waste a second crossing the room to slide beneath it, making sure to keep a respectable distance between their bodies for Andrew’s sake.

As soon as he sat Sir jumped from her perch and curled on his lap. He ran a hand through her fur and relaxed back into the cushions. Andrew silently drank his hot chocolate beside him, still not having said a word. Neil knew he wouldn’t ask about what had driven him here at his hour, but wanted to give him an explanation. “It’s my mother’s birthday.”

Andrew slid his gaze to him. Neil could feel it on the side of his face but didn’t dare return it. There were too many open emotions on his face to mask. Andrew gazed at him for only a moment more before leaning forward to grab the remote off the table. He flipped through the channels until he landed on some nature documentary. The screen lit the room in bright white light. Neil let the low British murmur lull him into peace.

Neil had gone completely lax against the cushions by the time Andrew shifted forward to set his empty mug on the coffee table. As he leaned back his bare arm brushed against Neil’s. Electricity zipped through him at the feeling of skin against his, body suddenly alight. He almost pulled away at the feeling of Andrew going stiff beside him, but before he could move Andrew relaxed again. He nestled further into the cushions but didn’t move his arm away. Neil’s heart pounded in his chest. Even though the touch was barely there he could feel every point of contact between them. It was the most he had felt all day. After several seconds of getting his heartbeat back under control, he relaxed again. They stayed that way for the rest of the night. Tucked under the soft blanket, arms pressed together, watching penguins march across the Antarctic.

Neil hadn’t realized he had fallen asleep until he woke up the next morning to rich smells and sounds coming from the kitchen. He was curled on the sofa with a pillow that hadn’t been there the night before stuffed under his head. He stretched languidly. All aches and hollow feelings from the day before now gone. He sat up and peeked over the back of the sofa. Andrew stood in front of the stove keeping watch over an ever-growing stack of pancakes. Sir and King winding around his legs, getting in his way every time he moved.

Once the pancakes were done Andrew took a step towards the sink, and immediately nearly tripped over the two animals at his feet. He shot a glare down to Sir and King. “Menaces.”

Neil couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his mouth at the sight. The noise, of course, caught Andrew’s attention. His gaze shot in his direction and he leveled his glare at Neil. “I hate all of you.”

Neil laughed again and flopped back onto the cushions. He stared up at the ceiling, a smile stretching across his face. He felt safe. His thoughts from the day before couldn’t reach him here. Not when he was cocooned in a warmth starting in his chest and radiating out.

A plate clattered onto the coffee table. Neil opened his eyes and saw Andrew standing above him, second plate in hand. He was still glaring, but Neil knew there was no real heat behind it. “Eat. Then go make yourself useful.”

Neil grabbed his plate off the table and scooched over so Andrew could sit beside him. Afterward, Andrew cleaned up in the kitchen as Neil got ready in the bathroom. He borrowed some sweats from Andrew and they made their way out to the fields. They only did a brief check up on the sheep before returning to the house. They stayed inside for the rest of the day watching movies Neil had never gotten the chance to see before. The warmth never left. He hoped it was going to stay.

  
  


* * *

Neil sat cross-legged in the middle of Andrew’s living room with his laptop cradled on his lap. King leaned against his side and Sir lay curled on the back of the sofa. A spot she had claimed for herself in the many return visits she had made with him. The second time Neil had brought her back Andrew had grumbled about cat hair getting everywhere, but Neil didn’t pay it any mind. Sir liked Andrew’s much larger house more than his studio apartment. She could dart from the kitchen to the office and back, pounce around an unsuspecting King, then climb the curtains. Andrew didn’t particularly like that last part either but did about as much as Neil did to actually stop it. Which wasn’t a lot.

Neil had arrived early that morning, worked for a couple of hours, then come inside. He was supposed to be making lunch. Which he had. He made himself a sandwich then got distracted searching through the University of Oregon’s fashion and design page. Shearing was set to take place next month, and Neil had grown curious about what the design students had created with the wool in the past. He had been sitting there for at least an hour now after finding an entire blog dedicated to the natural thread program.

He was making his way through the first years designs, which even included a short article on Andrew, Betsy, and the farm when he heard the sound of a car pulling up. Andrew hadn’t mentioned anyone stopping by, so Neil set the laptop aside and went to check the window. He almost didn’t believe his own eyes.

Getting out of an older model car was Andrew.

Except, of course, it couldn’t be Andrew. Andrew was out back, and his car was much nicer. That left only one person it could be. His twin, Aaron, who he hardly spoke to anymore. Neil pulled the black and white checkered curtains aside and watched him approach the house with determined strides. When he reached the door he raised his fist to knock, but before he could even make contact Neil swung the door open.

Knowing Andrew had a twin and seeing him up close and in person was a little disorienting. They really were identical. The only giveaways that this wasn’t Andrew were the clothes that Andrew would never wear and the disheveled state of his hair which Andrew would never allow. Aaron’s fist was still raised in the air as he stared at Neil with a taken aback look. Clearly, he hadn’t been expecting someone besides Andrew to be here. Neil stood there silently waiting for Aaron to say something.

Finally he did. “Who are you?”

It was less of a question and more of a demand. It immediately rubbed Neil the wrong way. Aaron was scowling at him, and it didn’t seem right that someone was allowed to walk around wearing such a scornful look on Andrew’s face. Andrew had never once scowled at Neil like that. He wasn’t sure Andrew was capable of making such a harsh line with his mouth. Most of Andrew’s expressions were very subdued. His eyes being the only thing that gave away what he was feeling.

Neil answered his question just as curtly. “Neil.”

“Why are you here?”

“I work here.”

Before Aaron got the chance to ask another question the backdoor slammed open and Andrew stormed into the living room. As soon as he set eyes on his brother they turned murderous. 

“What are you doing here?”

Aaron jolted at Andrew’s harsh tone. His shock didn’t last long though. “The wedding is in three weeks and you haven’t rsvp’d yet.”

Andrew didn’t say anything. Probably because Aaron hadn’t actually bothered to ask a question.

Aaron must have known his brother well enough to interpret that silence correctly. Outrage quickly broke out over his face. “Seriously, Andrew? I drove all the way here to try to make an attempt with you, and you won’t even answer me. Are you really so stuck in the past that aren’t even willing to try to move forward?”

Aaron stopped, waiting to see if Andrew would say something. Andrew impassively gazed back. He looked for all the world as if Aaron wasn’t getting to him, but Neil could see his hands clenched into white-knuckled fist. Aaron huffed at his obstinate silence and started again, “How can you still be pissed. It was just a broken pinky promise. Shit Andrew, we’re adults now you can’t keep acting so childish. It’s been five years, get over it.”

“Excuse me,” Neil cut in, drawing both Aaron and Andrew’s attention to him. He had no idea if Aaron was going to continue with his tirade or not, but if Neil had to listen to him say one more word he was going to punch him in the face. It wasn’t his place to say anything, but he wasn’t exactly good at keeping his mouth shut. “Is that really how you plan on convincing Andrew to go to your wedding? Because if I were him I sure as fuck wouldn’t go now. Hell, I probably would have thrown you out of my house five minutes ago. And look, I don’t know anything about this ‘broken pinky promise’, but at least I’m not stupid enough to not realize how important it must have been to Andrew if he is still holding a grudge against you over it.”

“But wait, I’m getting off track. This was about you trying to get Andrew to go to your wedding, correct?” He phrased it as a question but didn’t wait for an answer. “So here’s an idea. Why don’t you try starting over and this time either apologize or just shut the fuck up and leave.”

Aaron’s mouth dropped. He quickly snapped it shut, lip curling into a snarl. His eyes darted from Neil to Andrew, then back to Neil. “I’m not fucking apologizing for something that happened five years ago.”

Neil shrugged. “Then you know where the door is.”

“You can’t kick me out. This isn’t your house.” He turned to face his brother then like he was expecting back up. “Andrew?”

Andrew's impassive gaze never faltered. “You heard what he said. Goodbye.”

“I can’t fucking believe this,” Aaron said as he stormed out the door, slamming it hard behind him. 

Neil followed and threw the deadbolt closed. When he turned around he noticed that Andrew was standing in the exact same spot eyes trained on him. Neil held his gaze, not willing to look away. He couldn’t read the look on Andrew’s face and wondered if he had pushed too far. Aaron was still Andrew’s brother even if they had been locked in a cold war for the last five years.

Andrew’s expression shifted but remained unreadable. He slowly lifted his hand, crooking a finger at him, and said, “Come here.”

Neil’s heart pounded in his chest. He really needed to learn to keep his mouth shut. He crossed the few feet between them slowly, drawing out what he was sure was going to be Andrew’s anger. He stopped about a foot away. Andrew reached his hand out, grasping his chin tightly and pulling him forward till there were only a few inches separating them. Andrew used the grip on his chin to tilt his head down so they were closer to eye level.

“I do not need you to fight my battles for me.”

“I know. You don’t need anything. I just couldn’t stand to hear him speak to you that way.”

Andrew stared at him for a long moment. Then his grip on Neil’s chin tightened till it became almost painful and he ground out, “Yes or no?”

Neil’s brain came to a stuttering halt. He was fairly certain he knew what Andrew was asking and there was only one answer echoing in his head.

“Yes.”

Andrew wasted no time in pulling him in the rest of the way and crashing their lips together. Neil started again. His breathing hitched, his pulse pounded, and all his thoughts were Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.

Before touches had caused him pain, recently he learned touches could be soft, but no touch had ever made him feel like he was burning from the inside out. Andrew’s lips were a fire scorching across his and Neil could only melt. He wanted to reach out and hang on but knew that would be a very bad plan. Instead, he shoved his hands deep into his pockets where they couldn’t stray.

Andrew released his grip on Neil’s chin, trailing his fingers across his jaw to the back of his neck. He brought his other hand up grasping his arm. Andrew slowed down the kiss, dragging his hand down his arm. When he reached his wrist he squeezed once, and stepped back.

Neil’s eyes remained closed for a long time. He was trying to remember what breathing normally was like. He felt he had some semblance of control again he looked up. Andrew was standing in front of him seemingly unaffected if it wasn’t for the flush crawling up his cheeks and his chest rising and falling in deep breaths. Neil felt the overwhelming urge to kiss him again.

“You like me.” Neil hadn’t thought it was a possibility before. He wondered what it was he had so clearly missed.

“You’re insufferable.”

Neil tried to control the smile pulling at his lips and hummed. “I believe you have been suffering me for a few months now.”

“Shut up. Don’t you have something useful you could be doing.”

Neil stopped trying to hide his smile. “I really don’t think I do.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. Then put both hands in Neil’s hair and pulled him back in.

  


* * *

Fin

**Author's Note:**

> First of all I would like to thank [Jojen_Hewitt ](https://jojen-hewitt.tumblr.com/) for all the awesome artwork. When I first saw it my mind was totally blown. The amount of detail put into it was just amazing, and you did such an awesome job of capturing the scenes. I could literally go on and on about the lighting, the expression on Sir's face, and again just the amount of details.
> 
> Next I want to thank [jstneil](https://jsteneil.tumblr.com/) for betaing this for me. I really couldn't have asked for a better review.  
I also want to thank [stalllme](https://stalllme.tumblr.com/) for betaing this so long ago that it probably doesn't even look like the same fic anymore.
> 
> I started writing this in Jan., then after putting it off for a while I decided the best chance I had for forcing myself to finish it was to sign up for the big bang.
> 
> I have no idea for how a sheep farm actually runs, and mostly based everything off my grandmother's cow ranch.
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos. If you have any questions or want to talk to me about AFTG hmu at my tumblr [Blogaboutyafavbirdboys ](https://blogaboutyafavbirdboys.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Title taken from Counting Stars by: OneRepublic.


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